What Dads Expect When They're Expecting
What Dads Expect When Mom is Expecting
When Simon D'Arcy's wife, Sharon, got pregnant, so did he. He didn't have
morning sickness, mood swings or a growing belly, but the transformation he
faced was just as intense, and it took him the full nine months to prepare.
"The whole thing is so huge -- emotionally, psychologically, physically,
spiritually. I don't think there's a larger identity change for a man, or for a
woman, for that matter," says D'Arcy, a management consultant in Santa
Barbara, Calif. "It just doesn't get the same attention because we're not
the ones gaining 30 pounds and throwing up."
A new generation of fathers is being born. Gone are the legendary souls who
paced hospital waiting rooms, cigars in hand, and -- heaven forbid -- changed a
solitary diaper over the course of a weekend. Like D'Arcy, these dads want to
be involved, not just with the birth, but afterward.
Breaking new ground isn't easy, of course. But there are plenty of dads like
D'Arcy to prove it can be done. Becoming fathers in the new millennium means
stretching beyond comfort zones, finding role models for support and
encouragement, and not settling for those lingering myths about fatherhood.
Myth No. 1: Pregnancy Is Just a Chick Thing
When Christopher Mosio, a cinematographer in Santa Barbara, and his wife,
Jennifer Louden, discovered they were pregnant, they were both excited and
nervous. Yet he admits the pregnancy didn't present quite the same immediacy
for him, especially in the beginning.
"It wasn't my body changing," Mosio says. "I could go off during
the day and forget about it for a while, whereas Jennifer carried it around
constantly." Louden is author of "The Pregnant Woman's Comfort
Such differences in how men and women physically experience pregnancy can
often lead to misunderstandings, experts say. They can also perpetuate the myth
that pregnancy is mostly the woman's turf. Often it's not until men feel the
baby kick, see a sonogram or witness other tangible signs that reality sets in,
typically a trimester behind the woman.
"Women often perceive that men aren't as excited as they are because it
takes longer for them to get connected since it's not in their bodies,"
says Deborah Issokson, a licensed psychologist in Boston who specializes in
perinatal mental health. "So much of the pregnancy is kind of quiet until
women start showing or the baby starts moving."
The truth is, men experience many of the same sorts of anticipation and
worries as women, says Armin Brott, author of "The Expectant Father,"
"Throwaway Dads" and "The Single Father." Not only do studies
show that some men experience physical symptoms, like nausea and mood swings,
but they, too, worry about the kind of parents they'll be, how their personal
and professional lives will change and whether they're up to the