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7 Ways to Squelch Holiday Squabbles

Etiquette expert Peggy Post shares tips for a harmonious holiday season.
By Sherry Rauh
WebMD Feature

Do the holidays send you running for antacids, not because of too much food ... but because of too much family? This year, try replacing the Tums with a peacekeeping plan. According to Peggy Post, author of the 17th edition of Emily Post's Etiquette, would-be holiday peacekeepers should arm themselves with the fundamentals of etiquette, "consideration, respect, and honesty." Post shared the following tips for promoting harmony at family gatherings.

1. Be Realistic

Post tells WebMD the first step toward enjoying the festivities is to set aside idealized images of how things should go. "Be realistic," she says. "Don't think anything is going to be perfect."

Psychologist Peter Wish, PhD, agrees that expectations are key. "Be prepared and know that people tend to get on each other's nerves and push buttons that can go all the way back to childhood," he tells WebMD. "People have these tapes in their head and tend to respond the way they did years ago. You don't need to respond the way you did before."

2. Anticipate Conflicts

"Plan ahead and try to be as calm as possible with other people," Post says. If you can anticipate the types of conflicts that are likely to come up, you can plan a response in advance. This can help avoid the knee-jerk reactions that tend to escalate tensions. For example, if you tend to have the same argument with Dad again and again, come up with a plan to break the cycle. One strategy is to signal your spouse to run interference.

Once you have a plan to keep yourself in line, decide how you will handle bickering among other family members. Wish suggests separating "the combatants" and asking them to call a truce for the common good.

3. Share the Work

Eda Lang, a retired teacher, has hosted her extended family and friends for many holidays over the years. She says one of the biggest sources of tension is trying to prepare a feast solo when you're working full time. "You want to do right by Mom and Dad and all your loved ones, and you don't want any of them to be alone on Thanksgiving, so you invite them all. But you are stressed out from work and you have no one to help."

Lang's solution is to ask relatives to help with the cooking instead of bringing gifts. "Then it does not fall on one person's shoulders economically or physically," she tells WebMD. "Get very specific when telling people what to bring."

Post agrees that sharing the workload is a good way to avoid short fuses. This goes for serving and clearing, as well as cooking. "Hopefully no one is just sitting there being waited on," she says, adding that football does not excuse men from pitching in. "At Thanksgiving, many women like to watch the football games, too." She suggests assigning tasks ahead of time so everyone will know when and how they are supposed to help.

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