By Charlotte Latvala
In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, you can't always get what
you want. And you know what? That's really okay. Discover how letting go of
impossible (and draining) dreams puts you on the path to peace.
In the 37th week of my third pregnancy, I was cruising right along with no
major health problems until — bam — I developed Bell's palsy, a partial
paralysis of the left side of my face. I couldn't close my eye, I drooled when
I ate, and, worst of all,...
That might have been the case for Dodie, a finance officer who
moved to across country about 10 years ago. Though single and with no relatives
nearby, she had no desire to fly home for Thanksgiving. Her father's illness
had made holiday gatherings difficult at best. "We had to stop pretending a
long time ago that we were having a Hallmark occasion," she says.
Instead, Dodie made her way to a monastery in California, where
she created a new tradition for herself: sharing Thanksgiving with monks of the
Order of the Holy Cross.
"There's a reception first that includes friends from town
and people staying at the monastery guesthouse," she says. "Then dinner
is usually cooked by the monks and served at round tables in the refectory with
views of the mountains and the coast. It was a gift, a great relief, to choose
how to celebrate the holidays."
Holiday Blues Basics
"This is the time of year when I see a lot of people who
feel guilty or blame themselves if they're alone," says Jason Kornrich,
PhD, a clinical psychologist at Nassau County Medical Center in East Meadow,
N.Y. "They think there must be something wrong with them if they don't have
a partner, or that they're being punished for things they've done in the
Such dark thoughts can be avoided with a little planning.
"People don't want to prepare for depression," Kornrich says. "But
early November is the time to analyze how you felt last year and come up with
some proactive measures."
These can include letting friends and colleagues know you'll be
alone for the holidays and would like to be included in some of their
activities. But Alexander Obolsky, a Northwestern University psychiatrist,
warns that if no invitations seem likely, "don't wait until the last
moment. Plan to cook dinner yourself and invite somebody over. The important
thing is to be with people."
That somebody could be a friend you haven't seen for a while, a
new colleague at work, or an elderly neighbor who would otherwise be alone.
"It's a time of year when you may have obligations to
family or elderly parents. But try to carve out time for something you want to
do -- something that's meaningful to you," says Obolsky.
Do Something for Others
Volunteering offers another way to be with people while doing
something good for others. Soup kitchens, nursing homes, and other
organizations can use help during the holidays, she says.
"I've found people who say, OK, I don't have a significant
other, I don't have a big family meal planned, so it was really nice visiting
Aunt Milly in the nursing home because it did something for her and it filled
part of my day," says Elizabeth Robinson, a therapist and manager of the
Employees Assistance Program at the University of Connecticut's Health Center
"It's really important for people to be with other people
in order to get out of themselves and be distracted from their own aloneness by
helping others," she says.
Finally, don't overlook exercise. "If you're the type of
person who likes to exercise, exercise more," says Kornrich. "Don't
give up Friday night bowling and isolate yourself just because it's the