Clinging to Your Crew

By Nando Pelusi, Ph.D.

Today social ostracism is likely temporary—and far from the end of your world.

You're on a lunch break among peers who are furiously critiquing the administration's handling of the Iraq war. Unbeknownst to your co-workers, you're staunchly against "cutting and running." But rather than declare your position, you bite your tongue.

In this moment, your need to fit in is stronger than your need to articulate your views, even though you're pained by the choice to clam up. We evolved not to be tireless defenders of the "truth" (however hawkish we perceive it to be), but to fit into the prevailing group. That is one reason we experience such piercing discomfort at the prospect of being ostracized.

There was a time when ostracism meant grave danger. Today it probably only means a grave hassle. But we unconsciously conflate the two because we are possessed by a powerful drive to conform at almost any cost.

The reason this urge is strong is that for most of human history the group was our meal ticket and primary means of survival. Then, as population and mobility increased, our ancestors encountered an ever-expanding circle of family, kin, clan, and band.

Today that circle encompasses teeming cities of anonymous people who have formed subgroups such as Democrats, plutocrats, Ivy Leagues, bowling leagues, and, of course, co-workers. Far too often, we erroneously invest these loose social networks with powers better suited to a congress that really does determine survival.

Everyone has ancestors, but not everyone leaves descendants. Those who did were almost certainly members of a functioning group or tribe. Charles Darwin himself observed, "A tribe including many members who... were always ready to aid one another, and to sacrifice themselves for the common good, would be victorious over most other tribes; and this would be natural selection." Darwin showed that the survival of the individual was responsible for evolution but recognized the key role of cooperation in this very survival.

Social anxiety and concern for status are the emotional checks that keep our cooperative, conformist behavior on track. We often tacitly believe, "I must fit in, or the effects will be terrible." Or, "If I don't fit in here, I won't fit in anywhere."

However, getting fired from your job or cold-shouldered by a group of acquaintances hardly means getting thrown down a volcano. Still, the need to be accepted among peers is so powerful that anxiety kicks in even under wholly non-life-threatening circumstances, such as showing up solo at a cocktail party or being called on to speak in public.

We want to prove our loyalty to a group, but loyalty carries its own hazards: In our zeal to avoid banishment, we might commit too deeply or for too long. Often we are so keen on fitting in that we fail to ask whether we really benefit from an affiliation in the first place.