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The Ties That Bind
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The Visit continued...

I sleep in my brother's old room, kept company by his Ping-Pong trophies and dinosaur statuettes. My room has long since been converted to an office. In the morning, jet-lagged and lizard-eyed, I slump downstairs and into pre-holiday chaos. My mother itemizes which dishes she's already prepared and which she's saved for me to do with her. My father announces grandly that he'll be setting the table, and my mother replies that she hopes he'll do it in the morning and not leave it to the last minute as he always does. I wonder if two days was a little overoptimistic as to how much of this I can take.

But by midday the holiday is in high gear. The table is gloriously set, and more important, my mother has approved of my dress. Everyone arrives and the house is delirious with food, banter, and a swarm of toddlers. We take our traditional places at the table, and we recreate the old dynamics, too. Who says you can't recapture youth? We instantly revert to the same old jokes, same old barbs, and same old competitions of yore. Under the witty repartee, there's a definite whiff of "I'm right and you're wrong, nyah, nyah, nyah!"

Taking Control: How to Prepare

According to the professionals, my holiday experience is typical. "It's natural to regress," says San Francisco therapist Linda Gourley, PhD. "You're not five any longer, not physically, emotionally, or cognitively. But when you're in that situation, old habits return."

Still, progress is possible. "If you anticipate conflict before it happens," says David Presti, PhD, a clinical psychologist and neurobiology professor at the University of California, Berkeley, "then you have a little bit more choice in the matter. You're still going to be pulled to react in old ways, but you can modulate it. People do." You can actually prepare and upgrade your holiday standard by considering a few issues in advance.

  • Decide why you're going home. To satisfy yourself? To satisfy someone else? It helps to know why.
  • Plan a reasonable, limited visit. As George Bernard Shaw said, "A perpetual holiday is a good working definition of hell."
  • Reflect on your expectations and whether they're reasonable. Do you believe a major family conflict will suddenly disappear with the magic of the holidays? "That," says Gourley, "probably won't happen. Doomed illusions just set you up for disappointment."
  • Know your limits and your buttons. Presti says, "If you have insight into your buttons and how your family might push them, you can prepare. You can say: 'I'm going to use this as a positive experience to avoid reacting in my old ways.'"
  • Watch out for the urge to control. Instead, come equipped with gracious verbal outs to defuse potential conflicts.
  • You'll always be somebody's child or sibling at home. "You respect that the situation may not be ideal, but it's temporary," says Gourley. "You're going to get back to your world."

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