By Charlotte Latvala
In the immortal words of the Rolling Stones, you can't always get what
you want. And you know what? That's really okay. Discover how letting go of
impossible (and draining) dreams puts you on the path to peace.
In the 37th week of my third pregnancy, I was cruising right along with no
major health problems until — bam — I developed Bell's palsy, a partial
paralysis of the left side of my face. I couldn't close my eye, I drooled when
I ate, and, worst of all,...
The friend we've confided in, we learn, has been passing our confidences along as bits of juicy gossip to others.
Then there's the trusting spouse who makes career sacrifices – then finds out his "other half" has been cheating and has lined up his replacement.
Even if it's as simple as being taken by a smarmy salesman, these situations can often bring a sense of bitter shame mixed in with the anger.
Why Bad Things Happen to Good People
What's wrong with us? Or the victims we know? Is there truly a sucker born every minute, as circus promoter P.T. Barnum is widely credited with saying?
Not necessarily, says Lou Manza, PhD, chairperson of psychology at Lebanon Valley College in Annville, Pa. "I don't think people are innately clueless, but emotions factor into it and our brains get distracted."
"Knowledge is power, and ignorance is not bliss," says Yvonne Thomas, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychologist.
"People may not want to face the truth … but in the end, it will hurt them a lot worse," she says. "You don't want to be in fairytale lalaland, because the consequences will be that much more traumatic."
Don't Be a Sucker
While there are downsides to being too cynical, many of us do need to boost our inner skeptic to avoid being blindsided. Here's how:
Approach it like a scientist. "In science, if a certain theory is dominant, we don't doubt it because we have data backing it up. But if we come across other information that is convincing, it can make us look in other directions," says Manza.
"If there is no evidence to suggest something is awry, leave it alone; but when there is evidence, you need to act more rationally and try to put your emotions aside," he says. "Try to be as objective as possible. The more subjective you get, the more errors you can make."
Search for concrete evidence. Manza says that in the health care industry, for instance, there are plenty of claims consumers should be wary of. "A basic rule of thumb is to look for evidence for any claim," Manza says. Without hard evidence, one should "start to have doubts," he says.
Or, "if you are married and everything is fine and then all of a sudden your partner is always working late, look at all the evidence," he advises. "A rational approach would be to look for other signs," he says.
If you think something is going on with your finances, "ask questions about money, and if you get a harsh answer, something may be up," Manza says. "If gambling is the issue, is your partner spending more time on the computer or going away to Vegas?"