Shedding Shyness

By Erika Casriel

The ability to captivate and charm others in any social setting is new territory for the shy. Here's a few tips on how to stand out at a party, make a good first impression, captivate an audience, approach a love interest, and get more respect at work.

How to Sparkle at a Party

No more hiding behind the shrimp cocktail table. With minimal preparation, you can engage with more than the appetizers.

Have a road map. Conversation with strangers typically moves through five stages, says psychologist Bernardo Carducci, from opening line (keep it simple) and introductions, to trying out topics and exploring for common ground, to closure, in which you tell that person that you're going, sum up what you learned and possibly exchange contact information. Once you internalize these steps, you will always have a mental map of where to go next.

Stay informed. "If you're going someplace next week, then know what happened this week, in local business, or on Lost," says Carducci. "You don't have to be an expert." To help conversations flow, he adds, apply the two rules of brainstorming: Throw in comments without trying to impress people, and don't judge ideas as they come up. Others will participate more freely if they don't think what they say will be criticized.

Warm up. Arrive early at events so you can meet people one-on-one. Then, move on to "quick talk," says Carducci. "Talk to lots of different  people for short periods, so you don't put a lot of pressure on yourself. Have the same conversation with 8 or 10 people in your initial swing through the crowd—you're warming up, just like someone at a race. Then you can go back to the people who interest you."

Look approachable. When people conceal their social anxiety behind a neutral mask, others can become uneasy and interpret their faces as aloof or hostile. To develop warmer interactions, practice looking up with a welcoming smile in the mirror. When we hunch up and lower our heads, we feel more introspective, explains therapist Erika Hilliard. When we stand tall and lift our heads, our attention moves outward.

The First 30 Seconds

Approaching a stranger is nerve-wracking, but the benefits can be worth the short-term anxiety.

Relive a confident moment. If you're feeling down on yourself, others will sense it. Pretending you like yourself doesn't fool people either. Instead, "remember the last time you were shining inside and out, and your body will be responsive," says therapist Erika Hilliard.

Eye contact shows respect. To make a good first impression, maintain a relaxed posture and warm, engaging eye contact. By meeting someone's eyes, you're showing that your mind is not someplace else. To soften your gaze, move your eyes lightly around the person's face, says relationship coach Susan Rabin.