Life After Divorce

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Question:

After an 18-year-marriage ended in divorce eight months ago (we separated eight months before that), I tried to see some positives in what was not a very pleasant situation. I was thinking that it does give me the opportunity to sort of reinvent or re-create my life at 46. How many people get to do that without having to negotiate that with a spouse? Well, I don't think I'm doing well at seeing where I could go, what I could do. I don't want to stay where I am but I don't just want to change locations and career simply for the sake of changing. I never wanted to move to my current location -- tried to make the best of it. But without the marriage it doesn't make much sense to stay here. I switched careers several years ago and I am not particularly happy in my current one. I'm well educated and generally resourceful. My problem is this inertia I have to take a specific step in It's like I am frozen with indecision. I've never been indecisive in my life. I feel like I have very little self-confidence, and I do attribute that to the divorce. I have even lost some interest in dating. I'm reluctant to get into a relationship that might keep me in my current location. I'm also reluctant to really get involved when I don't know what I want for my own life. But on the other hand, I feel pretty socially isolated and I know I am lonely. Frankly, I miss sex and I miss physical affection. That isn't helping my state of mind to be distracted by that either. I managed to get through a horrible divorce, rise eventually out of depression and problems with anxiety, and now I just want to get my life in order and focused toward the future. I should add that my only child will go off to college next year. I am very concerned that two big life changes -- a divorce and my daughter going off to pursue her own dreams (which I want her to do) -- and having to put all that in perspective -- are keeping me from developing a path for myself. Where to begin?

Answer:

You have experienced major trauma, yet remain on your feet, the hair slightly out of place, some char marks on your face, clothes rumpled and torn, possibly a frown, a little more fearful, cautious -- and still you want to rebuild. That's fantastic!

Since life is basically a continuous learning experience, you are finding out just how much knowledge you can absorb quickly!

I just hope you are not being too hard on yourself. I know of no one that would not be rocked by a nasty divorce, starting over, and a child leaving the nest.

There's no question your confidence has suffered. You have been jerked from your comfort zone. Almost all of us have one, that place we know (even if we don't like it) vs. the unknown.

Here are my suggestions. With the help of anyone that knew you in childhood, find out everything that came naturally to you; smile, friends, honesty, shyness, confidence, or lack of it, leadership qualities, sports, certain courses, books, penmanship, drawing, putting puzzles together.

Again, anything that simply came easy for you. We sometimes refer to a person as a natural athlete, natural gardener, natural people-person, natural grouch, etc., meaning the qualities we exhibited early on that simply were part of us -- almost at birth.

My reason for suggesting this is, we often get carried away by the river of responsibilities and never look back to talents or traits that could make life much easier. You now have that opportunity at age 46, the prime of life! If you rediscover your natural talents and traits, enthusiasm will lift you out of lethargy, diminish fears, and put a smile on your face!

My next suggestion is that old -- but extremely effective -- daily diary. It is so powerful to put your thoughts on paper each day, and then read them at night. You will get a much clearer view of you. You can also use a mini voice-activated tape recorder to state your thoughts as you are thinking them.

I also believe this is a time to pamper yourself. Add an activity that you find very enjoyable: a walk in a pretty park, bowling, playing cards, visiting an historic site, clubs, leagues, helping the helpless, etc.

And I would recommend that you talk to your doctor to see if there might be some lingering depression.

Finally, here are some web sites that might be helpful. I don't know all of your specific needs, but take a look:

http://www.quakeroatmeal.com/wellness/articles/FH_Positive_Thinking.cfm
http://www.doi.gov/octc/personal.html
http://www.quintcareers.com/professional_jobs.html
http://www.appleone.com/Career_Seekers/findCareer.asp
http://www.careerbuilder.com/JobSeeker/Index.htm?siteid=google&lr=cbnh_gg
http://www.nyu.edu/library/bobst/acrlny/job.htm
http://jobs.harvard.edu/
http://keirsey.com/matrix.html
http://keirsey.com/Drummers.html

Coaching is an ongoing process, so keep us posted and the dialogue will continue.

WebMD Answers to Questions

The opinions expressed herein are the guest's alone and have not been reviewed by a WebMD physician. If you have a question about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational purposes only.