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"Shhh! You can't tell anyone my secret name!"
If you answered d, you're what psychologist Larry Cohen, PhD, calls a
"playful parent." You've broken the tension with silliness and formed a
bond with your child -- who might just be so amused (especially if you continue
the game by declaring that your real secret name is Rice Crispies Cake)
that he forgets he didn't want to clean his room.
Why Humor Works in Child Discipline
Child discipline seems like a very serious thing -- and that's the problem,
says Cohen, the author of Playful Parenting and a play therapist.
It's a lot less stressful, and a lot more fun, to use humor and play to connect
with your child as you set limits and establish discipline. And disciplining
children with humor and play, he adds, leaves everyone feeling much better than
spanking children does.
The most important factor in child discipline, Cohen says, is the connection
between parent and child. "Play and humor isn't the only way to make that
connection, but it's probably the best," says Cohen, because play is a
child's world, it's "where they live." And when everyone's stressed out
and overloaded -- that's when we need play most.
4 Tips for Putting Play Into Child Discipline
So when your 3-year-old is battling over bedtime, or your 6-year-old has a
meltdown because he lost at checkers, how do you discipline your child
playfully? Consider these four playful tips from Cohen:
Voice yourself. Walk into your child's room and ask them to clean it
-- in a fake opera voice at the top of your lungs. Funny voices and using
different characters are a great way to diffuse tension.
Fall down. A lot. Especially with toddlers; they think it's
hilarious when adults fall down, since they do it a lot themselves.
Fake cry -- especially with boys. "There's such a taboo against
crying with boys that I do it all the time," says Cohen. "Kids will
experiment with teasing or some mild aggression, and I'll go 'WAAAAAAHHHH!'
They'll laugh and laugh and want to do it over and over again."
Game it. Set up games where they can be symbolically aggressive
without it being over the top, such as play wrestling and pillow fights.
Putting Play to Work: An Example
Say that you have a strong-willed toddler who fights getting changed --
diaper changes, getting dressed, getting undressed. Every change is a battle,
and you've resorted to just holding her down and wrestling her like an
alligator into her clothes. Instead of disciplining your young child in
frustration, think of what you can do to make getting dressed fun:
Find a play time, and then say, "Let's play the getting-dressed
game," suggests Cohen. Maybe try dressing up all her dolls and stuffed
animals. Just don't try out your new game for the first time when you really
need to get out the door; wait for a good time, then take it to the "play
zone." "The problems always occur in the serious zone," Cohen
Or have your child choose your clothes and be the boss and dress
you! Or maybe race around the house at top speed, waving her snow pants or
diaper, insisting she has to wear them while she's squealing and giggling and
"Stumble and fall and let her get away, and she'll laugh and
laugh," says Cohen. The miracle is that all that laughing and goofiness
loosens up the tension that has gotten connected to getting dressed for some
reason. Play is the way kids release tension.
Remember that not every playful approach you try will work. "You have to
be willing to try lots of different things." says Cohen. "I'll have
parents ask me 'How did you know just what to do with that child?' and I'll
say, 'I tried 10 things and the first nine didn't work.'"