Mortifying Moments

Nov. 6, 2000 -- Did you ever hear the one about the diplomat whose tie got caught in the zipper of his fly? He became such a laughing stock that his government had to recall him to a desk job in his homeland. Or how about the time former President George Bush threw up in the lap of Japan's prime minister?

Nearly every one of us suffers embarrassment at some time in our lives. But whether it leaves a scar or just a funny memory, say researchers, depends on how we handle the situation.

(Embarrassment can have medical consequences, too; see "Dying of Embarrassment.")

"It's this massive, powerful emotion that stops everything," says Edward Gross, PhD, professor emeritus of sociology at the University of Washington at Seattle and author of Embarrassment in Everyday Life. "It tells you to pay attention, that you are doing something wrong."

Gross became interested in the topic over two decades ago when he taught at a small college headed by a totally incompetent president. Layers of staff insulated the top person, performing his functions for him. When Gross asked why the school couldn't find a capable president, the staff and board replied it would be too embarrassing for all concerned.

But as much as embarrassment seems to muck up our lives, civilization wouldn't work without it, says Andre Modigliani, PhD, a sociology professor at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor. "Embarrassment is the sudden acknowledgment that others have noticed what you are doing or have done and that notice is negative." Like a flashing red light, it warns you that you have broken one of the rules keeping society orderly.

What to do

Fortunately, there's a lot you can do not only to think your way out of embarrassing situations, but to keep them from happening in the first place. "Thorough preparation will safeguard you against embarrassing moments," Gross says. "If you must introduce somebody at a meeting, write down his or her name. If you are to give a speech, go to the site beforehand and see for yourself if there are any wires to trip on, that a lectern is provided, and that nothing will take you unaware."

When, despite your best plans, you do slip up in public, you can often charge ahead like it never happened. Actors and musicians do it all the time and hardly anybody notices.

When a gaff looms too large to go unnoticed, you can deflect scorn through humor. If you pick up the wrong raincoat, briefcase, or purse, try: "Hey! I almost got away with it!" while returning it to the rightful owner.

If you lose your place in a speech, say: "I seem to have lost my place -- something for which many of you will be grateful."