Smoothing the Arrival of Baby No. 2

Dec. 28, 2001 -- Usually, parents are more confident with the birth of their second child, compared to when they were first-timers. Diaper changes and midnight feedings are now familiar routines, and they know that the inevitable sleep deprivation probably won't kill them.

But if the expectant parents already have a young child, there often is a new source of anxiety to handle: Their firstborn has to learn how to share mom and dad. Issues of displacement and jealousy are common, but sibling rivalries are not unavoidable, experts say.

"Parents need to know how to help their kids get along from a very young age, to set the stage for healthy relationships," clinical psychologist Laurie Kramer, PhD, tells WebMD. "Unfortunately, information on the subject is lacking."

Kramer and her University of Illinois colleague, Dawn Ramsburg, reviewed books and articles intended to help first children deal with the arrival of a sibling. Their findings, published in the January issue of the journal Family Relations, suggest that much of the advice published in the popular press is simply not backed up with good research.

Take, for example, common advice that urges couples not to have a second child until their first one is older than 2. That guideline, she says, does not take into account important family issues such as work situations, finances, parental health and energy levels, and personal preferences.

"The research is all over the place on this, but the newer studies indicate that these other considerations are important," she says. "Parents need to consider the advantages and disadvantages of different age spacings and decide which is best for their family."

Research also suggests you might be creating more problems for your young family if you try to keep your older child preoccupied and away from the new baby. Parents may try this tactic, believing they are cutting down sibling resentment, but promoting separate activities may actually make resentment worse.

Kramer says it's most common for children between the ages of 3 and 5 to react to a new baby with ambivalence. But that doesn't mean the child doesn't want to be involved.

Child development researcher Judy Dunn says it's important to make the older child aware of the new baby as a person, even before he or she is born. Asking questions like, 'Do you think the new baby will like this?' and stressing that the baby will have feelings and opinions of her own helps the child think of the soon-to-be-born sibling as a separate person.

Nashville reporter Paula Wade says she and her husband Ken were careful to stress their son Matthew's role when their daughter Elizabeth was born 16 months ago. Now almost 4, Matthew had few problems adjusting to his role as big brother.