July 17, 2000 -- You can tell your son that doing good deeds hardly means you're codependent. If you started lying on his behalf and covering up for his mistakes, then he might be right! Seriously, though, the term codependent properly applies to people who rely on addicts for emotional support.

Denied healthy, respectful love, codependent people survive on whatever shreds of affection they can coax from their addicts.

While begging Dad to stop drinking, his codependent daughter might also make sure there's always a six-pack in the house, just so he won't get angry or get the shakes. Though he warned her not to shoot up, the codependent husband of a heroin addict might still call her boss to make an excuse when she misses work. Sometimes these behaviors are called "enabling," since they allow the addict to keep drinking or drugging.

The "co" in "codependent" refers to the addict and enabler's mutual need for each other. Codependent people can become so attached to their roles as protectors or survivors, that they may actually feel threatened if the addict stops abusing.

Of course, some of the listening and coping skills of codependent people can be valuable even in a healthy relationship. And, contrary to what your son might think, there's nothing wrong with trying to help people out.

So how do you know whether you've strayed out of normal people-pleasing into codependence? Healthy caring is based on mutual respect and affection; codependence is based on fear.

If you are codependent:

• Almost all your energy and attention is focused on protecting the other person, or protecting yourself from him/her.
• You are constantly making excuses for the person's behavior or failings.
• Your self-esteem comes mainly from the other person's approval.
• Your fear of the other person's anger determines most of your actions.
• Your social circle has gotten smaller and smaller as you've become more focused on "helping" the other person.
• You have taken on more and more of the other person's jobs and responsibilities.
• You are more tuned in to what the other person wants than to what you want.
• You constantly blame yourself for the other person's bad behavior.
• You swing back and forth between hope and hopelessness, depending on the other person's moods and behavior.
• Your reaction to the other person is usually either fear or pity.

If none of these applies to you, then relax. The proper term for you is probably "helpful."

Ronald Pies, MD, is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Tufts University, and a lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of A Consumer's Guide to Choosing the Right Psychotherapist and the Handbook of Essential Psychopharmacology. His newest book is Ethics of the Sages.

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