Answer:

Breast cancer currently affects approximately one in nine women in the U.S. and Europe and strikes women of all ages, from their 20s to their 90s. It can have tremendous impact on women and their sexual partners, not least because of the potential for intense emotional vulnerability.

Many women are reluctant to ask their partners about their own sexual desirability because they are uncomfortable thinking about sex when some say they "should be grateful" to be alive. They are also hesitant to ask their healthcare providers specifically about sexual feelings and functioning after a diagnosis of breast cancer.

Yet we have solid evidence showing that emotional support and stress reduction are significant factors in recovery and survival of breast cancer patients. A healthy sexual relationship provides these benefits, so there's another good reason for getting yours back to where you want it to be.

It sounds like your sex life used to be enjoyable and fulfilling for you, but for reasons that you and your husband haven't yet cleared up, that source of comfort has faded from your relationship. Why?

One possibility is that your husband may have developed an irrational fear of cancer that causes him to be uncomfortable touching you. He may not literally believe that he could contract cancer by having sex with you, but he might have developed an aversion to sex nevertheless.

A second possibility is that he fears he would physically hurt you if the two of you engaged in sex.

But a more likely possibility in situations like yours is that when you contracted cancer, your mortality was brought to the forefront for your husband. He got a huge reminder that one day you will be separated from one another by death.

When people who love each other confront this reality, they sometimes begin a process of separation-before-death, hoping subconsciously to reduce the pain that they believe they will ultimately face. As a result, those people avoid situations like sex that can that generate intimacy for them.

So the subconscious equation goes like this: Less sex equals less intimacy equals less pain. But there's a problem with that scenario -- living in the present becomes less fulfilling, and the survivor will still feel pain when the other person dies.

You mentioned that your libido has been lacking, too. My hunch is that you acclimated to your husband's pulling back, probably because you didn't want to create friction. At some point you may have worried that he found you less attractive since the lumpectomy and attributed the change in his behavior to that. You may also have wanted to give him the time and opportunity to make his own adjustments to your situation. In other words, part of the change may have happened because you love each other.

Though it was appropriate to have your husband's testosterone level checked, it's not surprising that it's normal. I think that your cancer diagnosis probably caused some profound realizations for both of you, and you're still trying to sort through them.

I strongly recommend that you talk with your husband about your desire to resume your enjoyable sex life with him. Make sure he doesn't think that you prefer the current nearly sexless relationship. Enlist the help of a sex therapist if your efforts to talk don't help the two of you get to a clearer understanding.