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Adoption: A Look From All Sides -- Sherrie Eldridge -- 11/18/03

By Sherrie Eldridge WebMD Live Events Transcript

Adoption is a life-changing event for all involved: the child, the birth family, and the adopting family. If you are part of this triad, or just considering adoption, explore our discussion of the complex emotions, truths, and myths involved with Sherrie Eldridge, author of 20 Things Adopted Children Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew.

The opinions expressed herein are the guest's alone and have not been reviewed by a WebMD physician. If you have questions about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational purposes only.

Moderator: Sherrie, as a soon-to-be adoptive parent myself, and the sibling of an adoptee, I'm aware of the fact that adoption is a bittersweet event. It unites a child with a family, and vice versa, but it also means another family has been splintered. But how will this affect my parenting of my future adopted child?

Eldridge: I think if you have educated yourself about adoption, and you obviously have lived it, you know the reality of it being a bittersweet event. It's bittersweet because the child loses the birth family, but wonderful and sweet because the child gains a new family. How will this affect your parenting? I think it will make you a terrific parent, because you're educated.

Member question: Does adoption always leave feelings of loss?

Eldridge: Adoption itself is built on loss. Loss for the adoptee, who loses the birth family; loss for the adoptive parents who lose the dream of holding a biological child whose face will mirror their own; and loss for the birth parents, who have suffered a tremendous loss. So yes, loss is involved in every adoption, but not everyone reacts to the loss in the same manner.

Some people might say to us today, "Why are you having a show on adoption? Adoption is no big deal to me; it's just part of my history." They're very resilient. To other people it is an issue, because when the infant or child is removed from the birth family it is traumatic to that child. And just like any other loss in life, adoption loss needs to be grieved.

Member question: How do you help a child deal with that loss?

Eldridge: The best way to help a child deal with adoption loss is to acknowledge the reality of that loss from day one. You may say to your baby on the way home from the hospital, "I know I'm not the mommy or daddy that you expected, and that must make you feel very sad. But I want you to know that I will always love you and we will be your forever family." So beginning with day one and making adoption just a common topic within the family will help the child more than anything.

However, the child more than likely will not bring up adoption issues. We adoptees are kind of like tortoises in the zoo; we have big shells and we hide in them most of the time. So adoptive parents have to ask probing questions to show us, to signal to us, that it is OK to talk about how the adoptee feels.

Member question: How far should that extend? I know it's not healthy to make adoption a "secret" but can it go too far the other way? When can you just let it go -- and let an adopted child be just a child, like any other child in the family?

Eldridge: That is a good question. We don't want to obsess over adoption; that would be very unhealthy. However, there are key times, as I mentioned before, when you, as a parent, can ask probing questions to get your child to talk about adoption. I would think that you would treat the subject of adoption almost like you would the subject of sex; you don't talk about it all the time, and every problem you have in your family is not related to adoption.

I would, in trying to find the fine time of when it is adoption-related or not, educate yourself as much as possible; read every adoption book on the shelf and talk to other adoptive parents.

Member question: I'm 37 years old and pregnant with twins. The father does not want anything to do with them. I currently have a 16 year old. I'm confused about whether to keep them or give them up for adoption.

Eldridge: I believe that the very best thing for a child is to be with its mother, but sometimes that is not possible. In your case, since you already have a 16-year-old child, I would say that you could go forth with confidence knowing that you could parent these children successfully, and your 16 year old will probably be a tremendous help to you.

Member question: How does one go about finding a reputable adoption agency?

Eldridge: I would check, first of all, in your phone book and review the adoption agencies that are available in your locality; then I would seek out the advice and counsel of other adoptive parents who have worked with these agencies. They will be your best source of finding effective help in the adoption process.

Member question: If birth mom has passed away do I have the same (emotional) right to contact my half sister, even against the wishes of her father (not mine)? If birth mom were alive I would contact her and wait for her reply -- assuming she had the right to accept/reject me and I had the right to her response, whatever it turned out to be.

Eldridge: First of all, finding a tombstone at the end of your search must be very painful, and I grieve with you for that loss that you never got to know your birth mother.

Now, in response to your question about contacting your half sister: I was sitting in an adoption support group one evening and someone said, "Even if your birth mother rejects you, that doesn't mean that the rest of your family will." My birth mother rejected me and that was a new thought to me, and after learning this I contacted her sister. Of course, my birth mother went ballistic, but I knew I had the right to contact her because she also is my family.

So yes, it is your history, you do have the emotional right, even if there is resistance from your half-sister's father. I would say go for it; take it slow and be very tactful in the way that you go about it.

Member question: When adopting a child how healthy is it to have the birth mother involved after the adoption? And how involved should they be?

Eldridge: What you are asking is a question about open adoption. Open adoption is when the adoptive parents and the birth parents both have an active relationship with the child.

I am not sure how I feel about open adoption. I think that there has to be many factors already in place for an open adoption to succeed. The birth mother and birth father must be mature enough to put the needs of the child first. For instance, I know of a little girl who just met her birth father. She is 7 years old, and she met him through a telephone call initially. After she talked with her birth father and, by the way, it was very positive, the birth father talked to the adoptive parents and expressed his desire to not take the place of the adoptive father. Now, that is a mature birth parent. And I believe that is necessary for an open adoption to occur.

It may not always be that positive, however. One of the birth parents might be in jail; might be a drug addict; might have a terrible history; and would be a negative influence on the child. In that case I would opt for a semiopen adoption, where there is an intermediary, such as a physician or a social worker or a lawyer, who will send letters and photos back and forth at the request of the birth parent, or the adoptive parent is still in control and must set limits, always with the good of the child in mind.

I just became an adoptive grandmother one year ago, and our children have chosen the semiopen adoption and it has worked very well. They agreed ahead of time with the birth mother that they would send photos and letters to her for the first year. After that, it's totally up to our adoptive parents to set the limit, always keeping the needs of the child in mind.

In the negative cases I would tend to be very protective of my child, not that I would hide the painful aspects of the parental history. I would mention them and talk about them whenever the child asks, and at an appropriate age.

It is very helpful to find an open-adoption practitioner, someone like James Gritter, who has written a wonderful book about open adoption. That would be a great help to you.

Member question: My only real concern with adoption is that the child will always wonder who his real parents are and I would be concerned about that child wondering if his/her life would have been better with them. Do most adoptive parents worry about this?

Eldridge: You are correct when you say that the child will wonder about the birth parent, and this begins at an early age. For example, one 3-year-old little girl said to her mommy, on her birthday, "Is my lady coming?" And the mother said, "Well, honey, what lady are you talking about? And the little girl said, "My birth mother. It's my BIRTH day, isn't it?"

So, yes, children will always wonder, and you will know when they begin to wonder when they ask, "Who is she, where does she live, do I look like her?" Adopted children and adults are famous for fantasies. We fantasize of the perfect family out there, and so if you see your child gazing out the window someday, he may be dreaming about that perfect family. This may happen, especially when the child is upset with you.

Member question: What should you do to help a child already in the family when adopting another child? Does adoption add another layer to sibling rivalry?

Eldridge: You can help the older child welcome the adopted child into the family in several ways. I just think back to a year ago when our children adopted a baby. I took the oldest granddaughter to the store and bought her a sweater and had embroidered on it, "I am Megan's big sister." And so she felt built up, she felt it was a really good thing to be a big sister, and that she could help her parents care for the baby, as well.

The sibling rivalry can occur, and that goes back to the nature versus nurture debate. There are bound to be differences, because the two children are wired differently genetically. However, I believe that a mature, educated adoptive parent can go through this experience without there being extreme sibling rivalry.

Member question: How difficult is it for an adopted child to be raised with a biological brother or sister?

Eldridge: It is challenging, and I would choose that word instead of "difficult." It is one of the challenges that are unique to adoptive family living. The biological child and the child who entered your family through adoption will have differences. There are bound to be personality differences and behavior differences, but I believe that with proper parenting these can be meshed, and that the differences between the biological relatives in the family and the adopted child can be celebrated.

We need to celebrate the uniqueness of this wonderful child who has come into the family. We can do that through ethnic dinners, through visiting a foreign country where she may have been born, through making a life book, which are very popular right now. There are many online available.

I like to think of blending the biological and adoptive elements as a beautiful grafted tree. Think about the process of grafting in nature: A stem has to be severed from a tree. That's the adoptee. Then the mother tree it's going to be bonded to needs to be roughed up so that bonding can occur. And I believe that when that bonding occurs, this family will be like a beautiful grafted tree, unique, one-of-a-kind, and I believe stronger, more so than nonadoptive families, because they have learned to work through these challenges that are involved in adoptive family living.

Member question: Is there any reading material I could read to get familiar with adoption?

Eldridge: In answer to your question, I don't want to toot my own horn, but I believe that reading my first book, titled 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish their Adoptive Parents Knew, would be a great place to start. I wish you could hear the comments of adoptive parents who have read this book and been tremendously helped by it. Many adoption agencies require the reading of this book for prospective adoptive parents.

The book enables the adoptive parent to see adoption through the eyes of their children. This is very important, because the impression that adoptive parents have about how the child perceives adoption is very likely different than how the child actually feels. I give 20 often unspoken thoughts of the adoptive child, and I think that would be a good place to start.

Member question: It seems that teenage mothers are not mature enough to make the adoption decision. What can be done to educate young people to realize the special gift they give to their child by choosing adoption over parenting? In my opinion, the quality of life they give the child should be the only consideration.

Eldridge: I believe and agree with you that the child's needs must always come first. If the teen mother is not mature enough to choose, then it may be a good idea for someone to educate her about the beauty of open adoption, telling her that when she places her precious child for adoption that it doesn't necessarily mean she will never see her child again. Things are very different today with adoption procedures. The birth mother can choose who she wants for the adoptive parents.

Also, if the parents were willing to help raise the child until the teen matures that would be another option. However, I believe that the best option for the child is to have a mommy and a daddy and to have a forever family.

Member question: What issues are more of a problem for families who adopt children at 6 years old or older, compared to families that adopt infants or toddlers?

Eldridge: The issues are very different, and yet somewhat common for an infant adoption, or shall we say a foster adoption, where the child has been removed from the home because of abuse or neglect. Now you've hit on my passion. My passion is to talk for that little baby, and I want to tell you what the issue is for that baby. That baby has lost everything that was familiar to her. She can't feel the warmth of her mother's body, can't hear her heartbeat, and she's traumatized. Adoptive parents and others who are not educated about adoption do not have a clue that this child has a broken heart that needs to be mended.

Now the older child who has been adopted, they can remember very well what happened to them; they are able to put into words what happened to them. For the infant, it is a preverbal wound, and in my experience of working with all adoptee support groups, the only words that we could come up with to describe that preverbal wound was "something inside just doesn't feel right." And so your child, if adopted at a young age, say at birth, may not be able to tell you what is going on inside of her; it just may feel like chaos.

So that is the difference between the two. One is a preverbal wound and one is a wound that is well remembered.

Member question: We have a daughter adopted from China as an infant who is now 8. She doesn't want to talk about adoption, her birth mom, or anything painful. How invasive should we be in getting her to talk to us about this? She is also very hard on herself as if she will crumble if she is not perfect. How can we help her to become more comfortable in her own skin?

Eldridge: As I said before, adoptees most likely will not initiate conversation about their birth mothers or the adoption experience. We, as parents, need to ask probing questions, such as, "I wonder where you got that incredible talent for playing the piano? Do you think it could be from your birth mommy?" And then when the child responds, validate, validate, validate. In other words, say to them, "It's OK to feel the way that you do; it's really OK to feel that way."

As far as being a perfectionist and being hard on herself, I would just encourage you, as parents, to be as real as you can be in the presence of your children. Tell them when you blow it, tell them when you're struggling, and make it an opportunity to laugh at yourself, to find some humor, and I think that will help her rid herself of bad feelings of bad self-image.

Member question: Is there any way for me to get the medical records of my biological mother? I was born 31 years ago. If so, how do I go about doing it?

Eldridge: Obtaining medical records from the hospital where you were born depends on the individual hospital policy. The city where I live currently only keep records seven years, but others have different retention policies. I have had a huge struggle trying to obtain my medical records. The probate judge in the county where I lived even gave an order for my records to be opened to me, but the superintendent of records refused.

When I found out I could not have my records after a 13-year battle with the superintendent of records, the thought came to me, "Sherrie, what is this all about; what do you really want?" I came to the conclusion, "This is for me." I'm not inferring this for you, but it was an issue of control. I was unconsciously saying to myself, "She had the first choice and she chose to send me away, and by golly I'm going to have the last word."

Some people think, "Why would you want your birth records? What is the big deal?" Well, to an adoptee, seeing our birth records is proof that we were really born. I can't tell you how many adoptees in support groups have said to me, "I feel like an alien. I feel like I was just dropped down into my adoptive home," so it is very validating for us to get the records.

So do whatever you can. Turn over every pebble and ask every question, so that when the end of your life comes, you don't look back and say, "I wish I would have done this."

When you go to the hospital or contact them through the mail, do not, and I emphasize, do not mention the word adoptee. That will ensure an immediate closed door to your request. Just proceed very slowly and cautiously and take whatever leads you can. Each little piece is a part in the puzzle that may lead to another part of your history.

Moderator: Do you have any final comments for us before we wrap up today, Sherrie?

Member question: I would like to invite you to visit the adoption educational organization that I founded, called Jewel Among Jewels. The web site address is adoptionjewels.org. If you come and visit you will find a plethora of materials that will be so intriguing to you. We have nine years of archived newsletters with articles written by adoptees, adoptive parents, birth parents, birth siblings, birth grandparents, and mental health and adoption professionals.

If you are struggling right now with adoption issues and feel alone, and are an adult or a teenager, I would encourage you to buy my second book, called 20 Life Transforming Choices Adoptees Need to Make. When you read this book, for which I interviewed over 70 adoptees, you will find that you are in the company of incredible friends. We adoptees need one another, and as you read the thoughts of fellow adoptees you will be encouraged and realize you were put on this earth for a purpose, and you will have unshakeable self-esteem as a result.

Moderator: Thanks to Sherrie Eldridge for sharing her adoption expertise with us. Be sure to check out our numerous related articles and on WebMD, and visit our message boards, including Adoption: Support Group.

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