Sex Matters®: Louanne Cole Weston, PhD Meet Louanne | More Q&A From Louanne Cole Weston "I found out that my husband has been viewing porn on the Intranet. I'm angry, hurt and confused. What should I do?"

The opinions expressed herein are the author's alone and have not been influenced by WebMD.

When people start looking at explicit sexual images, there is usually a reason. But the reasons are not as clear cut as some people might expect. It is often quite complex.

Beating my very tired drum on this topic once again: Sexually explicit images are not evil or a cancer or an addiction, and they do not necessarily signal the end of a long-term primary relationship. Can they lead to that? Yes. Is it as automatic as some people fear? Not in the least.

The discovery that one's mate is in some way involved with viewing these images is an OPPORTUNITY in that relationship. It is an opportunity to really find out who your mate is. It gives the chance to learn what really is erotic to that person and what sexual arousal paths exist that may have never been pursued in the relationship.

The fact that so many women feel insecure or threatened or sad about their mates viewing this material is a loud and clear message that they have been unwilling to, at the very least, check out what their mate might want to do sexually. Or they have sometimes sent very strong messages that their mate has picked up on -- "Don't ever even approach me about 'behavior xyz.'" Or they have the very idealized and romanticized image that they are everything to their mates and that a partner's mind should never wander beyond their woman's countenance.

Granted, some men are ashamed about their sexual turn-ons and don't want to expose themselves to their mate. They don't want to be known as well as disclosing this information would clearly lead to. They may feel shame about it and assume that they can only get their kicks from pictures that cannot form opinions of them as men.

Some men have extremely rare sexual turn-ons, but others are quite common. I once had a client who felt rather ashamed of his arousal to images of women being tickled. Little did he understand that this is a quite common pattern of arousal. I could name many similar situations where the man felt unduly ashamed.

If a couple can speak to one another about why one of them has turned to images, there are so many positive things that can result from it. If that seems impossible, then working with a sex therapist is a great way to learn from this information. One really positive scenario is when a couple can start disclosing back and forth information that they have each held secret, their own sex life can really take off and become quite fulfilling to both people.

I like a good portion of Dr. Phil's ideas, but, frankly, I think he's way off base on most of his sexual opinions. I formed this opinion by reading his books. Sex is just not as cut and dried as he tries to make it. I like that he asks people to call a spade and spade in their lives, but a spade is not always a spade when it comes to sex.

Speak to your husband. If you've "caught" him masturbating, then he knows you know. That means he's probably waiting for you to bring up the subject.

Tell him that you're aware that lately he's been viewing these materials. Tell him you feel puzzled and that you don't quite know what it means to him to be doing this. Is it about behaviors he desires to participate in with you? Is it about his lost youth and looking at young, nubile females helps him not feel so old? Is it related to his nervousness about sharing his arousal patterns with you? Is it a hundred other things?

If you judge him harshly in your opening comments/questions about this, you may have a hard time learning the truth about it for him. Be as inquisitive and neutral about this as you can. Otherwise, you paint a picture of yourself as closed and unwilling to know.

Summon up your courage and your best self to learn about the meaning of this for your husband. Save your discussion of your hurt for later on in the conversation when you know what it means to him to be doing this.

Have a question for Sex Matters® therapist Louanne Cole Weston?

Don't forget to check out our Sexuality community: