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Spice Up Your Sex Life - No Matter What Your Size

Don't make romance wait for your ideal weight

How to Break Free continued...

If you bring your underlying emotions to the surface, you become more "present," he says. "Everyone wants a date or bedmate who is present and engaged."

Here are some other ideas for getting past the negative feelings that can inhibit romance:

  • Focus on parts of your body you do like. Befriend your graceful hands or strong arms. Appreciate the curves of your slim ankles.
  • Accept yourself as you are. This doesn't mean you can't change. But wanting to change something, Dwoskin says, keeps us focused on the negative (the thing we want to change). Change comes when you focus on the positive. "Self-acceptance makes it easier to change."
  • Remember, you are perfect, even if you don't think so. You will also be perfect when you lose 25 pounds, but not more perfect.
  • Quit seeking approval -- or, the flip side, expecting disapproval. Could you do that? Would you? When?
  • Just let go. Dwoskin teaches the art of surrender -- and where is that more appropriate than in bed?
  • Blank, who has also written a book of larger-size erotica, says you should suspend your disbelief. Yes, that cute guy may be talking to you! That sexy babe may indeed want to buy you a drink! "Look at all the married people," she laughs. "They weren't all models when they got married and then put on weight."

 

If you still can't get past what you see in the mirror, Valan-Hudson reminds us is that vision is just one of the five senses. Heavier people may be orally oriented (in sex, this can be intriguing, yes?). Tactilely, they possess interesting curves and sensual spots. "You can really get into the touch thing," she says. Lotions and scents can tease the sense of smell.

The sense of hearing can also be sensual -- especially if the two lovers are talking openly about their likes and dislikes. Married people, especially, need to communicate more about sex, Dwoskin says. "This is the sexiest thing you can do."

No time for a heart-to-heart at night? Try for a morning delight. "Honey, you know, it kind of hurts when you do that." You get the idea.

Dwoskin also recommends not concentrating on your partner so much, but taking pleasure in your own sensations. If your partner is satisfying you, he or she will be satisfied, he says. The key is to stop worrying about that bulge that might be showing (which is probably the farthest thing from the mind of your partner, who is having sex, after all) and start feeling the sex. "Let go of guilt, fear, shame and self-consciousness," he says.

If you are shy about sex, Valan-Hudson suggests reviving your enjoyment of touch. Get some massages, facials, pedicures. (She also recommends strategically placed pillows when you do get to the main event. )

For those who are just getting into (or getting back into) the dating game, Valan-Hudson says, finding your romance groove can be a long process. You have nothing to lose by trying, though, she says. "If you are fun-loving, be fun-loving," she recommends. "Make eye contact. Not all men or women like a skinny partner. Everyone has an ego; pay attention to the person."

And once you get started down the road to romance, it becomes a healthy cycle. "The more sex you get, the more you will want," Valan-Hudson notes.

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