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How to Break Free

Dwoskin's method of letting go of stress and negative feelings is based on three questions. Once you take a look at why you are not having sex (fear, self-disgust, anticipation of what your partner might feel), you ask yourself:

  • "Could I let this go?"
  • "Will I let this go?"
  • Then: "When?"

If you bring your underlying emotions to the surface, you become more "present," he says. "Everyone wants a date or bedmate who is present and engaged."

Here are some other ideas for getting past the negative feelings that can inhibit romance:

  • Focus on parts of your body you do like. Befriend your graceful hands or strong arms. Appreciate the curves of your slim ankles.
  • Accept yourself as you are. This doesn't mean you can't change. But wanting to change something, Dwoskin says, keeps us focused on the negative (the thing we want to change). Change comes when you focus on the positive. "Self-acceptance makes it easier to change."
  • Remember, you are perfect, even if you don't think so. You will also be perfect when you lose 25 pounds, but not more perfect.
  • Quit seeking approval -- or, the flip side, expecting disapproval. Could you do that? Would you? When?
  • Just let go. Dwoskin teaches the art of surrender -- and where is that more appropriate than in bed?
  • Blank, who has also written a book of larger-size erotica, says you should suspend your disbelief. Yes, that cute guy may be talking to you! That sexy babe may indeed want to buy you a drink! "Look at all the married people," she laughs. "They weren't all models when they got married and then put on weight."

If you still can't get past what you see in the mirror, Valan-Hudson reminds us is that vision is just one of the five senses. Heavier people may be orally oriented (in sex, this can be intriguing, yes?). Tactilely, they possess interesting curves and sensual spots. "You can really get into the touch thing," she says. Lotions and scents can tease the sense of smell.

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