Dear Dad: Hang Up the Keys

Nursing a sick parent can take a toll on your health. Here's how to prepare for elder care.

Caring for an elderly parent calls for an awkward or even painful role reversal—suddenly the person who protected you for much of your life is helpless. "No one is ever prepared for it," says Virginia Morris, author of How to Care For Aging Parents. "We don't want to think about our parents as frail or dying."

Though we realize that our aging parents will require, at the very least, an extra hand at some point, most of us do not make arrangements for the inevitable. "It's a very normal, human response. We plan for happy times, for vacations, and for babies, but it's hard to plan for a parent's sickness—even when it's already happening," Morris says.

A primary and largely unexpected aspect of caring for an elderly parent is how emotionally exhausting it can be, Morris says. "Even if you're not providing hands-on, day-to-day care, you can feel drained and very down. It's confusing, because you're experiencing a combination of grief, guilt, helplessness, and resentment."

According to the Family Caregiver Alliance, caregivers are prone to depression, stress, and frustration. Research indicates that caregiving can lead to a weakened immune system and even premature death. But a combination of strategies can ward off such dangers, whether you are in the middle of nursing a sick parent, or haven't yet faced the possibility.

Sidestepping Sibling Strife

When a parent starts to require extra assistance, a very common effect is an outbreak of sibling conflict. Adult children are suddenly thrust into their old roles—be it the bossy one, the careless one, or the spoiled one. Differences in income and ability to take time off from work and their own families further complicate sibling dynamics.

"It's good to have a family meeting," says Joy Loverde, author of The Complete Eldercare Planner. "It's a way to clear the air and get the main issues on the table." Loverde recommends that parents sit out the initial meeting, where siblings can decide on their respective roles and contributions. Mom and Dad can then assert their opinions once the plan is presented. (Remember, unless your parents are suffering from dementia or impaired decision-making, they generally should have final say over their own futures.)

More Than Coping

Another common challenge is resistance from the parent who needs help. Understandably, she may not like the idea of diminishing independence, and may refuse to alter her lifestyle, even at her own risk. If you notice Dad's driving is erratic, for example, Loverde suggests thinking carefully about who would best suggest that he start taking the bus. "When my father refused to get his hearing checked," she says, "I appealed to his best friend, who was able to get him to the clinic." The ideal instigator could be a trusted neighbor, a clergy person, or even a grandchild.