SIDS and grief

Losing an infant to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) is devastating. The grief can be overwhelming for parents, other family members and caregivers, and other people who were close to the baby.

Parents' common reactions

Common reactions to the death of a baby can include:

• Guilt. You may think that your baby's death was your fault. You may also feel as if other family members or your friends and neighbors blame you for your baby's death. It will take time to realize and accept that there was nothing you could have done to prevent or cause your baby's death.
• Having a strong need to protect the surviving children.
• Feeling as if your insides are "tied in knots" or feeling your heart literally aching. Your arms may ache to hold your baby. Nearly all parents, especially mothers, feel this. It takes time to accept the reality of a baby's death.
• Finding yourself preparing the baby's food or thinking you hear the baby crying.
• Strong feelings one way or the other about reminders of your baby.
  • Some parents want to talk about their baby all the time; others want to avoid any mention of the baby.
  • Some parents want to keep the baby's clothes, toys, and nursery just as they were before the death; others give away the clothes, toys, and nursery items as soon as possible.
• Confusion over having another baby. Friends and relatives (and sometimes health professionals) may advise parents who have lost a baby to SIDS to have another baby right away. There are various opinions on this subject. Consider discussing this issue with your health professional or a counselor.

Siblings' reactions

Children perceive death differently than adults, depending on their age and their level of emotional development. In general, many children have nightmares, start bed-wetting, show anger, perform poorly in school, cry excessively, have blackout spells, or refuse to speak. In addition, some children:

• Believe that they caused the death because they felt jealous of the baby.
• Develop an irrational fear of dying or have distorted ideas about the concept of death.
• Can accept the fact that their baby brother or sister is no longer with them without requiring much explanation.
• Develop fears concerning their own safety. This can be because the parents are overprotective after the death of the baby.
• Sense that their parents have become distant or are idealizing the dead child. The children may react to this lack of attention in different ways, including misbehavior.

Tell your children as much about the baby's death as they are able to understand. Allow them to tell you their thoughts and ask questions about the death. Help children understand that difficult feelings are natural parts of the grieving process and will lessen over time.

Reassess your children's feelings periodically. Brothers and sisters may not begin to show their grief until early adulthood.