Talking to your child about sex

Because of AIDS, other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), the possibility of pregnancy, and a growing concern about date rape, it is important to talk openly with your adolescent or young teen about sex. Ideally, you should begin talking about issues before your child's body begins to grow and develop so he or she knows what to expect.

Make it your responsibility to start the discussion. Realize that waiting for others-friends, school staff, or another adult-to address sex is doing your child a disservice. And be aware that children have easy access to many Web sites with sexual or pornographic content. You know your child best; and by talking about sex, you help build trust. When your child knows he or she can talk about sex with you, your child is more likely to keep asking you questions as they come up. In this way you can gradually share information and values about sex without "lecturing" your child.

If you are absolutely not able to talk openly with your teen about sex, ask for help from your doctor, a trusted friend or family member, or a counselor.

Your adolescent or young teen needs help to make responsible choices about sex. Being informed and talking about sex does not encourage sexual activity in teens. In fact, some studies show that talking openly and honestly about sex can prevent teenage pregnancy.¹

When you talk to your teen about sex:

• Talk in a quiet, private place. Respect each other's privacy, and let your teen know that talking to you is safe.
• Answer questions frankly and honestly. If your child is shy, bring up questions yourself and answer them. Talk about specific issues such as sexual intercourse, pregnancy prevention using contraceptive methods, and sexually transmitted diseases. For more information on contraception, see the topic Birth Control. For more information on sexually transmitted diseases, see the topic Exposure to Sexually Transmitted Diseases.
• Talk about both the physical and emotional aspects of sex.
• Explain that sex does not just mean vaginal sexual intercourse. Oral sex is becoming more accepted among adolescents. Generally, adolescents do not think of oral sex as "sex." Many adolescents think of oral sex as a safe way to enjoy some of the benefits of vaginal sex with less risk of feeling guilty, getting a bad reputation, or going against their own values and beliefs.² Also, some adolescents don't understand that it is possible to get a sexually transmitted disease or HIV from having oral sex.² Anal sex is another sexual activity that some adolescents hear about or practice without fully understanding the risks of sexually transmitted disease and HIV.²
• Help your child understand these risks as well as other possible effects from engaging in sexual behaviors. For example, some adolescents may not realize the emotional aftermath that sometimes results from having sex. Focus on helping your child think about what makes a relationship strong. Talk about what it means to truly care for another person.
• Respect each other's opinions, even when you disagree. Recognize that your child's view is valid.
• Use "ice-breaking" techniques, such as offering books about teenage sexuality or bringing up the feelings you remember from your own teenage years.

Research shows that the greater the amount of sexual content adolescents watch on TV, the more likely they are to increase their own sexual behaviors.³ Set rules for which shows your child can watch and for how long. If you allow your child to watch shows with sexual content, watch it together. Talk about what happens on the show and the choices characters make. Point out the possible consequences of sex that might be missing from the show, such as pregnancy, feeling confused, or getting a sexually transmitted disease.

Keep in mind that your child may not follow the advice you or another adult gives regarding sexual matters. He or she may do things that you do not agree with. Talk to your child about being safe in those circumstances. No matter what happens, let him or her know that you will always listen and be available.

For more information, see the topic Talking With Children About Sex.

Citations

1. Ahern NR, Kiehl EM (2006). Adolescent sexual health and practice: A review of the literature. Implications for healthcare providers, educators, and policy makers. Family and Community Health, 29(4): 299–313.

2. Halpern-Felsher BL, et al. (2005). Oral versus vaginal sex among adolescents: Perceptions, attitudes, and behavior. Pediatrics, 115(4): 845–851.

3. Collins R, et al. (2004). Watching sex on television predicts adolescent initiation of sexual behavior. Pediatrics, 114(3): e280–e289.