Talking with your teenager about sex

As adolescents enter their late teen years, they begin to date more regularly, and many become sexually intimate with a partner. For many, sexual drive is at its strongest during adolescence. More than half of teenagers will have had sexual intercourse by the age of 17. By the age of 18, 65% of girls and 68% of boys have had sexual intercourse.¹

Talking to your son or daughter about sex

Whether they are sexually active or not, teenagers need help to make responsible choices about sex. Talking about sex does not encourage sexual activity in teens; in fact, some studies show that talking frankly and honestly about sex can prevent teenage pregnancy and delay intercourse. Having an open, honest relationship with your teen will largely depend on the quality of the relationship you have built to this point.

Ideally, you should begin to discuss sex with your child while he or she is in elementary school. A good way to start is to acknowledge that talking about sex may be awkward, but that your child should never be afraid to ask you questions. Discussing sex and sexuality with your children is not a one-time conversation, however. As they grow and mature, children naturally have questions about their sexuality. The more you can give them guidance, the better prepared they will be to make responsible decisions.

If you are unsure of how to begin such a conversation, use everyday situations as an icebreaker. Use examples on TV or another teen's pregnancy to start a discussion about sex and dating.

Your local library, church or synagogue, or organizations such as Planned Parenthood will have information to help you talk to your kids about sex and family life issues. Planned Parenthood and other groups offer counseling and classes you can take with your teenager to discuss sex, dating, and other important issues.

Discussing contraception

Talking about condoms and other forms of contraception is often based on family values and attitudes. Nevertheless, it's essential to make sure your teen understands how to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, how pregnancy occurs, and how to avoid an unwanted pregnancy, be it by abstinence or the use of condoms and other contraceptive methods.

The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends several strategies to help prevent teens from getting pregnant. The AAP supports having programs in place that help teens delay becoming sexually active. The AAP also recommends that teens learn about contraceptive methods and be able to get them easily. This includes emergency contraception methods.²

Defining sex

Explain that sex does not just mean vaginal sexual intercourse. Oral sex is becoming more accepted for adolescents. Generally, adolescents do not think of oral sex as "sex." Many adolescents think of oral sex as a safe way to enjoy some of the benefits of vaginal sex with less risk of feeling guilty, getting a bad reputation, or going against their own values and beliefs.³ Also, some adolescents don't understand that it is possible to get a sexually transmitted disease or HIV from having oral sex.³ Anal sex is another sexual activity that some teens practice without fully understanding the risks of sexually transmitted disease and HIV.

Help your teen understand these risks as well as other possible effects from engaging in these and other sexual behaviors. For example, some teens may not realize the emotional aftermath that sometimes results from having sex. Focus on helping your teen think about what makes a relationship strong. Talk about what it means to truly care for another person.

Discussing sexual abuse and date rape

Giving your teen information about date rape is important. As many as 1 in 4 high school girls and 1 in 10 high school boys report having been physically or sexually abused.⁴ A history of sexual abuse puts teens at higher risk for sexual and physical abuse by a date or a peer.

Talk to your teens about the following:

• Avoid places that are secluded. Go where there are other people, where you feel comfortable and safe. Don't go to a date's home or invite him to yours. These are the places where most acquaintance rapes occur.
• Trust your instincts. If you feel vulnerable, you might be. For example, avoid parties where boys greatly outnumber girls.
• Don't be afraid to be rude. If a situation feels wrong or you start to get nervous, confront your date immediately or leave as quickly as possible.
• Avoid alcohol and drugs. They compromise your ability-and that of your date-to make responsible decisions.
• Go on a group or double date. Especially at first, dating in groups may be more comfortable and less risky. When teens are with friends who are trustworthy, they tend to be safer, even when they break rules.

Citations

1. Brill SR, Rosenfeld WD (2000). Contraception. Medical Clinics of North America, 84(4): 907–925.

2. American Academy of Pediatrics (2005). Policy statement: Emergency contraception. Pediatrics, 116(4): 1026–1035.

3. Halpern-Felsher BL, et al. (2005). Oral versus vaginal sex among adolescents: Perceptions, attitudes, and behavior. Pediatrics, 115(4): 845–851.

4. Feli ME, Maehr J (2000). Fourteen- to sixteen-years-old: Mid-adolescence-Age of rapid changes. In SD Dixon, MT Stein, eds., Encounters With Children, 3rd ed., pp. 453–474. St. Louis: Mosby.