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The Fertility Diaries: When a Friend Is Pregnant — and You're Not


Jenny: "My husband, Sean, and I were asleep in the hospital room. Our baby, Andrew, was sleeping in the bassinet beside me. I woke up to go to the bathroom, and on the way to my bed, I checked on him. It's have the fear of it, but you don't think it will happen to you. But when I felt him he was cold, and I thought, No, no, no, no, no, no. I wanted to call the nurse, but then I thought, No, I don't want to be that paranoid first-time mom who's always calling the nurse, so I woke my husband up. He said, 'Oh, my God, call the nurse!' That's when I really freaked out. The nurse grabbed Andrew and ran down the hall with him, calling 'Code Pink.' Everybody came running immediately.

"When they asked if we wanted him baptized, that's sort of when I knew. After the autopsy, his death was ruled to be sudden infant death syndrome. It still knocks my breath away and twists my heart up to think about that day."

Jody was devastated for her friend. She joined a group of women from their wedding-planning Web site in sending huge bouquets of flowers to Andrew Wyatt's funeral, held quietly on a weekday with just a few family members and very close friends.

Jody: "You don't know what to say, and you don't want to say the wrong thing. It was so hard. You can't imagine how you survive something like that, how you even keep breathing. I told Jenny and Sean that if they wanted dinners, or anything like that, I'd bring them over. I wanted her to know that I cared, but didn't want to do anything that would make her feel worse."

But in fact, Jenny discovered that it was easier to talk about her feelings with Jody and other friends she'd first met online -- including Carrie, 31, a marketing manager who had recently moved to Ohio from Texas. "If you become friends online first, it's anonymous for a while, and you feel comfortable talking about things you might not talk about with your other friends," Jenny says. "So by the time Jody and Carrie and I met in 'real life' and started spending time together, we'd gotten used to being really open."

"We all know more about losing a child now, and that pregnancy doesn't just happen," Carrie says. Jenny still ached to hold a child, so she and Sean, 37, began trying to conceive again that summer. This time, it took six cycles of Clomid -- which meant six months of waiting -- instead of the one cycle she'd needed for Andrew. She began to despair, because her doctor had said that if the drug didn't work in six months, then it was unlikely to help her get pregnant.

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