Coping with Infertility

Ultimately, many couples become enraged over the multiple losses associated with infertility. They are upset by other people's insensitivity, hurt by criticism from their families, tired of treatment, frustrated by limited options, and resentful of their fishbowl existence. They feel the wound of infertility in every part of their being, and there are no simple remedies to ease such deep pain and extensive loss. But support from family and friends can help making infertile couples feel better about themselves, relate better to those who care about them, and respond better to treatment. One Houston endocrinologist has even suggested there would be "more successful pregnancies if family and friends knew how to be emotionally supportive." This task will be easier if those who want to help respond in some way to the losses of infertility. A few guidelines for family and friends to remember:

Admit there is a problem. Pretending the problem does not exist or avoiding it is not helpful to most couples. You may first have to deal with your own feelings about infertility, work through disappointment and thwarted expectations of being a grandmother or grandfather, and examine deep rooted beliefs about conception, childbearing, and medical intervention. Can you really support your child/sister/friend in her choice of treatment and doctor, her decision to adopt, or even her decision to remain childfree? Are you prepared for a possible change in your relationship? Acknowledge the couples' infertility by asking how things are going with treatment or how they are feeling. This shows your interest and offers them a chance to confide in you if they choose. If they do not elaborate on their activities, do not question them further at that time. At least they will know someone recognizes the significance of this experience in their lives.

Become informed. Hurtful comments like: "You've got to get hold of yourself and calm down;" "You shouldn't feel that way when you have so much to be grateful for;" "You're becoming obsessed with having a child;" "Just relax;" "Quit work and you'll get pregnant;" or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant" reveal serious misunderstandings about infertility. Broadly defined, infertility is a medical problem which prevents a couple from carrying a pregnancy to term or conceiving after one year of unprotected sexual intercourse. The problem may be with the woman (40% of the time) or the man (40% of the time). In the remaining 20%, both individuals have problems or the reason for their infertility is unknown. Only five percent of all couples who adopt later get pregnant. Furthermore, adoption is not an option for all couples. Waiting lists are long, babies are few, screening procedures are daunting, and parental age limits are restrictive.

Ask the couple to share any literature or information they have about their own infertility. This is often the icebreaker that leads to discussion. You might suggest the couple find a RESOLVE support group. There are also psychologists and social workers specializing in infertility who offer individual and group counseling. For people who find certain issues too sensitive to discuss with family and friends, short term counseling provides an opportunity to express pent up frustrations. Physicians who deal with infertility will know about local resources and can make recommendations.