As a magazine editor, Chris Charla is faced every day with multiple deadlines, meetings, and all the other demands of putting out a quality product -- demands which in his case led to some destructive coping mechanisms.
"I used to take my wrist rest and slam it against the keyboard, or take my phone and slam it down on the receiver a few times," recalls Charla, a 28-year-old San Franciscan. "But I've tried to calm down since then. I still want to smash things, but what I do now is tell myself not to slam anything and instead to take a walk."
Why can't you just be faithful? Any man who has ever been on the
receiving end of that question, whether dodging crockery or wiping away his
wife's tears, knows that some women would really like an answer. Do men who
cheat really outnumber their female counterparts? Does infidelity in marriage
come more naturally to men than women? And do some husbands think that
"monogamy" is a board game?
"There's no question that men cheat more than women," says Steven Nock, PhD,
a professor of sociology...
Charla can talk himself through times when emotions run high. What he can't do, though, is talk with others. "If I go to my supervisor," he says, "not only is it an admission that I screwed up my time management, but it's an admission that I can't do my job."
Though he's made progress, Charla's mindset is typical of men in the workplace -- one that makes handling stress difficult, and admitting to it taboo.
The High Cost of Workplace Stress
Workplace stress has extreme consequences in Japan, where the suicide rate among men has risen over the last 15 years. According to the Japanese government's Statistics Bureau, the highest suicide rate occurs in men from 35 to 44 years old, making it the 13th most common cause of death for men. (It's 21st for women). Take the triple suicide in March 1998, when three Japanese men -- all heads of car part companies -- took their lives on the same night. They reason they gave? Poor company finances.
In the United States, men's suicide rates have actually declined over the past few years. But the suicide rate for men is still nearly four times higher than for women, according to 1997 data from the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. (In the United States, the age group with the highest rate is from 75 to 85 years old.)
Why Work Is Often the Culprit
Much of the problem, says Glenn E. Good, PhD, stems from the way men's identities are so closely tied to work. "If you ask a man who he is, the first thing he says is his work -- I'm an executive, I'm a doctor, I'm a housebuilder," says Good, who is an associate professor of educational and counseling psychology at the University of Missouri, Columbia.
In Japan, says Good, that role is even more profoundly defined. Women are expected to serve men, and since a woman's role is in the home and with the family, the man's role -- and his self-esteem -- is tied nearly exclusively to work. And in Japan, says Good, showing emotion is practically forbidden.
Suppressing feelings and internalizing stress are learned, male traits, says Good -- traits that keep men from telling their bosses that they're feeling overburdened or need help. "On some inner level, it comes down to: If I can't tough it out, then I'm not much of man."