By Tom Chiarella
How to change the way the world sees you, one thank-you note
at a time.
I don't really care when people say thanks. Open a door. Thanks. Hand
someone a stapler. Thanks. Push a button on an elevator. Thanks. That's just
chatter. Meaningless interaction. Broadly speaking, hearing thanks
five dozen times a day might be seen as an anthropological indicator of some
sort of social ordering, like cryptic head tilts between sparrows on the lip of
a gutter. It's often...
You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and
worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the
act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay -- she melted at
your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic
climax -- you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not
getting it as often as everyone else.
For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably
confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by
self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our
mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically,
we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual
To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?
Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.
“Great sex is in the eye of the beholder, or the be-hander,” says
Patti Britton, a clinical sexologist and author of The Art of Sex
Coaching. “For some men, it might be the ability to produce fantabulous
multiple orgasms in their partner. For other men, it might mean being able to
last three minutes. Being a great lover means becoming a great lover to your
particular partner, and that requires doing something very difficult: opening
Great SexTip 1: Take Up Pillow Talk
Right. The mouth. Useful for kissing and other orally administered forms of
arousal (none of which should be underestimated), it’s also a tool for
communication. Try it. Tell her what you want. Ask her what she likes. Shoot
for trust and openness.
“If you get to know yourself and your partner, you’ll have a much more
erotic and explosive sexual relationship,” says Joy Davidson, a New York-based
psychologist and sexologist, and the author of Fearless Sex.