Men, we don’t mean to nag, but you may be making mistakes that risk ruining your marriage. In fact, if you are a typical man, you are likely making several and making them often.
Don’t believe us? Ask your partner. Now, before you get all defensive, this isn't about blame. These are sometimes subtle things that you might not even know you're doing. And changing these habits could make a big difference to your spouse, which can only be good for you.
By Tom Chiarella
How to change the way the world sees you, one thank-you note
at a time.
I don't really care when people say thanks. Open a door. Thanks. Hand
someone a stapler. Thanks. Push a button on an elevator. Thanks. That's just
chatter. Meaningless interaction. Broadly speaking, hearing thanks
five dozen times a day might be seen as an anthropological indicator of some
sort of social ordering, like cryptic head tilts between sparrows on the lip of
a gutter. It's often...
Furthermore, recognizing these mistakes and making efforts to correct them will not only help your marriage, it may also help your health as well as the health of your spouse.
Over time, negative feelings that aren't addressed can lead to physical and psychological problems, says psychologist Gloria Vanderhorst, PhD. "Stress develops in the relationship for each partner, though for different reasons," she says. "Typically, by the time a couple comes into treatment, this stress has triggered anxiety or depression in one or both of them."
Below are several common mistakes that men make, how you can recognize them, and -- most important -- what you can do to correct them.
1. Not showing empathy.
Psychologist Albert Maslow, PhD, says empathy -- the ability to recognize and share someone else’s feelings -- is the most important part of any relationship. And it’s something that, in general, women are better at than men. "Women want their feelings to be understood and validated," says Maslow, who has a private practice in Crozet, Va. "Men have to discover this."
Rather than simply listening, though, men tend to go into fix-it mode. That’s a mistake.
"If your wife tells you she feels ignored, for example, at that moment what she wants is for you to understand her feelings rather than talk about the facts," Maslow says.
2. Reckless spending.
Making big purchases such as buying a car without first consulting your wife is a huge no-no, Vanderhorst says. In fact, she ranks it second only to infidelity when it comes to marriage-busting mistakes. And, she says, "Men tend to do it a lot."
Why? Consciously or unconsciously, men frequently assign themselves the leadership role in the relationship. That, too, is a mistake, Vanderhorst says. A couple’s relationship involves shared leadership, she says.
3. Being sexually selfish -- or clueless.
In the bedroom, some men forget -- or, worse, haven’t figured out -- that their wives often need more than they do to get turned on, Maslow says.
"Affection, making her feel loved and needed -- that’s basic for her to feel aroused," Maslow says. "Older men usually catch on, but young men are especially unaware of this."
Vanderhorst says turning a woman on begins well before the lights go down. "Men perceive sex as a sufficient means of being close, of having a connection," she says. "But women want a connection prior to having sex."