Once it was simple. You got married, had kids, worked the land, and stayed
married whether you could stand each other or not. The concept of "a happy
marriage" was no more
relevant than the idea of "a pretty tractor."
"That has changed over time as marriage has become more
independent," says Steven Nock, a professor of sociology who studies
marriage at the University of Virginia and author of Marriage in Men's
Lives. "Couples don't need each other for quite as many things as they
A true midlife crisis usually involves changing your entire life in a hurry, says Calvin Colarusso, MD, a clinical professor of psychiatry at the University of California San Diego. An example is a man he counseled who wrote a note to his wife, withdrew his money from the bank, and moved to another city without warning.
This type of midlife crisis is rare, Colarusso says. More often, men go through a midlife process in which they make smaller changes over time.
"You might tell your wife, 'I’ve got to get out of this job,' and you do. Or you say to your wife, 'I’m done. The marriage isn’t working for me.' You don’t change everything and you don’t do it frantically," he says. "And for many people, after this agonizing reappraisal, they decide to stay with what they’ve got."
Signs that you're going through this midlife phase, or that you may soon, include:
You've hit your 40th birthday. Colarusso, who has a special interest in issues that affect adults as they age, most often sees men struggling with these midlife questions in their 40s and early 50s.
You're uneasy about major elements in your life. Colarusso says this may include not being satisfied with your career, your marriage, or your health, and feeling the urge to take action to make them better.
You feel that your time for taking a new direction is running short. Many men feel a pressing need to make changes, Colarusso says, when:
They notice that their appearance is changing or their stamina isn't as high as it used to be.
They become a grandfather.
A friend or parent dies.
However, it's not inevitable to go through a midlife crisis when those things happen.
You're making unusual choices. Men may go through a "teenage-like rebellion" at this point in their lives, says Boston psychologist Lynn Margolies, PhD. "A sure sign you may be in a midlife crisis is if you are feeling trapped and very tempted to act out in ways that will blow up your life," she says. These may include: