Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration
You want it more, she wants it less — or vice versa. Sexual frustration affects almost every couple. So how do you get past it?
Sexual communication continued...
Singles are not exempt from frustration and anxiety about their quirks and
kinks. You may not be locked into sexual negotiation with one partner forever,
but then again, new partners don't know what you want, and you may have some
explaining to do. "You have to learn to be creative with your sexual
communication," Violet Blue says. All too often, when people get together,
they share everything about themselves — their tastes, pet peeves, histories,
and habits — except for what pertains to sex.
"They think they know what the other person is thinking and wants to
do," Paget says. "Invariably they're not accurate."
Setting the scene
You catch her eye. She comes to you, and you tumble into a passionate
embrace. Sultry notes from a tenor saxophone rise in the background. You tear
at each other's clothes. The air quivers with the heat of your lovemaking.
That may be the scene, but we often forget how it was set. "All the
things that people use as an example of spontaneous sex," Paget says,
"those things were all planned." Phone calls were made, dates and times
agreed upon, email checked, work wrapped up, teeth brushed, privacy secured.
Most people rarely find themselves swept into a totally unexpected sexual
encounter, and they may become frustrated because they don't do enough
planning, expecting that kind of spontaneity.
It's a major pitfall for parents. If your sex life has withered since you
started a family, the reason may be that you are not fitting sex into your
schedule. "Couples who weather the storm of parenting, and make their
relationships work, they absolutely make their intimacy and their relationship
a priority," Paget says. "They do not assume that their sex life is
going to occur spontaneously."
You don't have to go so far as to pencil it into your calendar, but at least
make sure your partner knows when you are available.
"The act of having sex begins with someone saying, I want to,"
Violet Blue says. "You have to say, I want to, and this is what I want to