Prescriptions for Sexual Frustration
You want it more, she wants it less — or vice versa. Sexual frustration affects almost every couple. So how do you get past it?
Sexual communication continued...
For those in long-term relationships, it's frustrating when something that
was a favorite dish when the romance was new is suddenly taken off the menu.
But it's not uncommon for people to extend themselves beyond what they would
normally do when they're infatuated and eager to please. When they're not in
such an accommodating mood anymore, they retract. That's understandable, but it
can seem like false advertising.
"The reason the person signed up was because you were behaving like
that," Paget says. Of course, you're not obliged to do anything that makes
you uncomfortable, but understand if your partner is peeved.
Work towards a compromise if you can. "You can move in graduated
steps," Love says. Start with something that's close to what she wants to
do, get comfortable with that, and then try something closer still. If you're
on the receiving end of the favor, don't insist on having everything exactly
your way. Perhaps you want oral sex, for example, but your partner will only do
it when you're fresh out of the shower. That is what Weston calls "the
price of admission." Sometimes you have to accept it.
Singles are not exempt from frustration and anxiety about their quirks and
kinks. You may not be locked into sexual negotiation with one partner forever,
but then again, new partners don't know what you want, and you may have some
explaining to do. "You have to learn to be creative with your sexual
communication," Violet Blue says. All too often, when people get together,
they share everything about themselves — their tastes, pet peeves, histories,
and habits — except for what pertains to sex.
"They think they know what the other person is thinking and wants to
do," Paget says. "Invariably they're not accurate."
Setting the scene
You catch her eye. She comes to you, and you tumble into a passionate
embrace. Sultry notes from a tenor saxophone rise in the background. You tear
at each other's clothes. The air quivers with the heat of your lovemaking.
That may be the scene, but we often forget how it was set. "All the
things that people use as an example of spontaneous sex," Paget says,
"those things were all planned." Phone calls were made, dates and times
agreed upon, email checked, work wrapped up, teeth brushed, privacy secured.
Most people rarely find themselves swept into a totally unexpected sexual
encounter, and they may become frustrated because they don't do enough
planning, expecting that kind of spontaneity.