Revving Up a Low Libido: Gentlemen, Start Your Engines
Is your sex drive as strong as the next guy’s?
Low libido remedy: Just do it continued...
In Weston’s parlance, gift giving occurs when one person is not so interested in sex “but is willing to do things that are sexually stimulating for the partner to the point of orgasm.” This could be you, when your wife is interested and your mind is elsewhere, or it could be her, hoping to get you in the mood. “If they’re willing to do the gift giving and not the mercy-duty sex,” she says, “sometimes what I call the ‘coffee syndrome’ can kick in.”
The coffee syndrome is analogous to a host at a dinner party asking, “Who wants coffee?” Weston says, “And maybe one person says they do. You start pouring and someone says, ‘Did you make enough for me to have some, too?’ The whiff of coffee in the air makes you want it. Sometimes the feeling of sex in the air, if you’re doing something to pleasure your partner, can make you turn the corner and want it yourself.”
Dealing with marital anger as a cause of low libido
For couples who have been together longer, anger often stands in the way of one or both partners’ sex drive, Epstein says. “The paradox of sex is that you have to totally become yourself. But it also strips your ‘self’ away. Safety is a big factor, and it’s hard to make love to someone you’re angry with.”
One possible solution is couples therapy, and another is some long, honest talks. But in the meantime, it may be possible to jumpstart your sex life. Epstein suggests recycling some of your anger into the sex act. But how can you do that?
“There’s a whole aggressive element of sex,” Epstein says. If anger is too threatening to a couple, the aggression likely can’t be played with. But, Epstein says, where sex is healing, it can create a stage or field on which angry as well as desirous feelings can be played out as well as played with.”
Who needs coffee?