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When the Thrill Is Gone

You can still rekindle passion and improve your sex life in a low-sex marriage.
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You may pine for the days of spontaneity that you enjoyed when your relationship was young -- making love at odd hours, in the least likely places, just because you felt like it. But if you have small children, and two careers, and the usual laundry list of responsibilities, the chances of you spontaneously hooking up without some planning are about like the chance of your playing in the NBA -- when you’re over 40. And white. It takes a little doing to have a passion in marriage.

There is nothing wrong with planning to have sex, is there? Thinking about it ahead of time might just get you in the mood, just as thinking about what you’re going to eat before you go to a good restaurant only whets the appetite.

“People have to get in the habit of making time to be sexual in the same way they make time for everything else that’s good in life,” says Weston. “Some people will just sit and let the hours wash over them in front of the TV rather than do something that takes a bit of energy and a bit of intention. You have to kind of get conscious about what you’re doing.”

Rediscovering What Makes Your Partner Tick  -- or Hum, or Buzz, or Flutter

And don’t be so sure that you know that woman that you’re with. In her work with couples, Weston has found that people don’t always know what creates sexual arousal in their long-term partner.

“I try and lay out their own idiosyncrasies -- what 'does it' for them or what did it for them when they were younger and first dating,” she says. “There is often a moment of revelation: ‘I always thought you liked that!’ Or, ‘I always thought you hated that!’ And it’s often based on something the other person said 18 years ago when you tried something once. So they closed off one portion of sexual experimentation or behavior because of one errant comment.”

A lot can happen in those intervening years. Isn’t it time you found out what’s going on beneath the surface?

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Reviewed on December 09, 2010
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