Guidelines For Significant Others

Friends and family members are often the forgotten victims of eating disorders. If someone you care about has an eating disorder, it is difficult to know what to do for the person or for yourself. No matter what effort might be taken, such as helping find a therapist, sitting up all night talking, taking away laxatives, and so on, ultimately you have no power over another person's behavior.

You do have power over what you choose to do about the situation, and the more knowledgeable and prepared you are, the better chance you have for success. Even when you don't know how your friend or loved one will react to your concern, it is important that you express it and offer to help. Even if your concern or help is received poorly, don't give up. It is difficult but important that friends and family members keep trying to reach out to a suffering loved one in order to facilitate the person getting help and to support her during her struggle. Your efforts, love, and encouragement may be crucial to your loved one's recovery. People who have recovered from eating disorders often cite being loved, believed in, and not given up on as crucial factors in their getting help and getting well.

If you have observed behaviors in friends or loved ones and are concerned that they have a problem with food or weight, that is enough reason to say something to them. You do not need to wait until you have signs or proof of a full-blown eating disorder. The sooner you discuss things the better, for your sake and for theirs.

HOW TO APPROACH AND TALK TO SOMEONE YOU SUSPECT HAS A PROBLEM

PICK A TIME AND PLACE WHERE THERE WILL BE NO INTERRUPTIONS AND NO NEED TO HURRY

You must allow for privacy and plenty of time for both you and your friend or loved one to say everything that needs to be said.

BE EMPATHIC AND UNDERSTANDING

The first step, and most important thing to remember throughout your experience with a loved one who suffers from an eating disorder, is to have empathy. The best way to describe empathy is that it is like standing in someone else's shoes. Empathy is an effort to understand someone's experience as she experiences it and to convey that understanding. The only way to do this is to not be invested in changing the person or in getting her to change her perspective; that can come later. Before a loved one is going to be able to see another perspective, she will need to know that someone recognizes the legitimacy and importance of her own.

Don't worry that empathizing is not enough and that you need to do something or get your loved one to take action. It is true that if you stop at empathy you can "love and understand someone with an eating disorder to death," but empathy is a necessary first step and must be continually maintained. Once a person knows you understand and are not going to try and take over or take the eating disorder away, then you can begin helping in other ways, such as getting information, finding specialists, making appointments, reassuring, and even confronting. Just remember that all of this needs to take place after a person first feels understood and accepted.

Asking for help is usually one of the hardest things for those suffering from eating disorders to do. They need to learn that asking for and receiving help is not a weakness and they do not need to handle everything alone. Ultimately this helps them to learn that they can reach out to people instead of their eating disorder behaviors to escape from their pain. Even if there are limits to what you can do, they need to know you can help.