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How to Foster Harmony in the Household

Aug. 25, 2000 -- They bicker. They tease each other. They just don't get along. By the time they reach adolescence, is there hope for brothers and sisters constantly in conflict? What can parents do to bring some peace to the family? A new study shows that when parents try to resolve their teenagers' conflicts, they may actually create more problems between the kids. A new study shows trying to create harmony through more "family time" is best.

"The way parents can best promote positive, low-conflict relationships is to be proactive," lead author Susan M. McHale, PhD, professor of human development at Pennsylvania State University, tells WebMD. "Don't punish them; don't threaten them. It's not going to help at this point. Find things you can do with them that you can enjoy and they can enjoy. You can have positive experiences, and it will make them think twice before they attack and harass one another."

In their study, published in the August issue of the Journal of Marriage and the Family, researchers interviewed mothers, fathers, and adolescents in 185 white, working, middle-class families. Each family had two children; firstborns averaged age 15 and their siblings averaged 13.5 years old. In separate home interviews, each was asked to describe the qualities of their personal and family relationships and experiences. In a series of seven evening phone calls, family members reported on each day's activities including the time they spent in daily activities -- doing the dishes, playing sports, talking on the phone -- and who their companions were.

Those who had the best sibling relationships, she says, were those families that daily spent time together just doing mundane things like having meals and watching TV. The entire family didn't have to be together; it was fine if one sibling was with at least one of their parents. "Our speculation was that it's unlikely that kids would be willing to hang around with their parents or siblings unless they have a fairly warm, cohesive family in the first place," McHale says.

They also found that when conflict arose between the kids, no amount of parental intervention helped. In fact, "parents' efforts to resolve those conflicts may give rise to more negativity in the sibling relationship," says McHale.

"There are two theories of how parents should react to conflict," McHale tells WebMD. "One theory is that parents should stay out of it, that the reason kids fight is to get parents' attention. We found no support for that theory. They should intervene, but in a certain way. Parents can make kids fight more by how they react. Parents who are punitive, harsh, and threatening make kids fight more often."

Some parents tried coaching kids on how to work out problems, which some studies have shown is effective in younger kids, McHale says. However, her study showed coaching to be ineffective with adolescents. "By the time you get to adolescence, if you're still coaching your kids, you must have some pretty intractable sibling relationship problems," she tells WebMD.