Health & Baby

Baby Development: Your 10-Month-Old

Temperament and Behavior

Temperament is the "how" of your child's behavior: how she tends to respond to the world. If you have more than one child, you probably already see their inborn differences.

You can see by the list of temperamental traits that some are a lot easier to deal with than others. Most parents would like an easy, mellow, predictable child. Children with easy temperaments are, of course, simply easier to raise, at least when they are little.

But imagine a child who is very intense, always on the go, is sensation-seeking and fearless, hates changes in routines, is completely unpredictable in moods and physical needs. This is the "difficult" or "challenging" or "spirited" child (pick your favorite euphemism - one author simply calls them "mother-killers"). That child, although perfectly normal, is going to be harder to raise, even for the most patient of parents. As a colleague of mine once said, a difficult child is born and looks up at his/her parents and says: "I'm going to make you look bad. However you try to raise me, I'm going to make it hard for you and butt heads every step of the way." Lots of luck!

Raising a Difficult Child

The good news is that if you happen to have been given a difficult child, it's clear that, in the long run, they will do as well as the easy child, as long as the "goodness of fit" between you and your child is maintained and bolstered. That means, despite exasperating challenges (especially as a toddler), you:

1. Understand that it is no one's fault (not yours, not his).
2. Try, as best you can, to appreciate him for who his, not who you want him to be.
3. Be sure he does not feels demeaned, diminished, and inferior because of the behavioral challenges.
4. Figure out ways to allow the difficult temperamental traits to slowly become modified, smoothing the rough edges, while not trying to invent a whole new person.

When there is a good fit, parents recognize their child and their temperament, respect it, work with it, and help the child to use those traits in a positive way. When that happens, those kids have shown to do as well as anyone. But if a parent just can't accept the child they have been given and constantly tries to revolutionize that child's entire personality, in the process demeaning and diminishing who that child really is, there is major grief in store.

In these articles I've tried to help you to understand and to discover your child. Of all the lenses by which you'll try to figure him out, I'd put temperament right up there at the top.