This Is What Adoption Feels Like
"Someday we'll have visits. It wouldn't be right to discourage Addison
from knowing these people. We've always told her that she's loved by more
people than she could ever know."
Shelby Nickel, 36, and his wife, Jen, 33, are raising four sons in
Williams Lake, British Columbia, Canada: Greg, 12, and Eric, 11 — biological
siblings who were adopted through the Missouri foster-care system — as well as
Tanner, 10, and Caden, 6. Shelby is a commodities broker, and Jen homeschools
"When I started dating my husband, I told him I wanted to adopt, as in:
'If you want to marry me, this is it!' A few months after Tanner was born, we
investigated adopting through foster care both in Canada and the United States
and were eventually matched with two brothers in Missouri, Greg and Eric, who
were 4 and 3 at the time.
"To help get the boys ready, we made a video of ourselves showing them
our home and things like the table where we'd eat — with places set for them.
Then we spent a week in Missouri getting to know them. They'd been with their
foster mom for three years; even though she'd prepared them well, their first
year with us wasn't easy. Greg had a breakdown in a restaurant, crying that
we'd stolen him. It took Eric longer to show his grief, but he was processing a
lot of pain, too. We loved the idea of our kids even before we were
matched with them, but loving the reality of your children — that's a process,
one that's both wonderful and hard.
"I found out I was pregnant again 18 months after the boys came home.
When Caden was born, he was all of ours — the first member of our family that
we all had from the very beginning.
"We've worked hard to establish relationships with the boys' birth
parents. Their birth dad is in prison, and over the years, we've worked our way
from letters to phone calls with him. It's hard to have kids deal with serious
grown-up issues, but it also helps them to understand why they were removed
from their environment and love the reality of who their birth family is, not
the fantasy of who they'd like them to be.