15 Secrets of Happy Families
Experts reveal the key ingredients to a happy family life.
Happy Family Secret No. 6: Put Family Before Friends
"In happy families, family comes before friends," he says, "The
camp counselor understands something that parents don't and that is that caring
for kids also has to be fun. Give rules, but understand that kids need fun,
too. When kids get bored and listless, they start looking for excitement out of
the home and that is when friends become more important. Friendship is
important, but subordinate to family."
Happy Family Secret No. 7: Limit Children's After-School Activities
Today, growing numbers of kids are overscheduled and participate in six or
seven after-school activities per week. The mother becomes a chauffer and the
children are never home at the same time. This is not a recipe for a happy
family, Boteach says. "If your kids grow up not knowing how to do ballet,
they will be OK. No after-school activities is an extreme and too many
activities is the other extreme, but moderation is where we should aim."
Create your own after-school activities as a family, he suggests. For example,
take your kids rollerblading, bike riding, or swimming after school as a
Happy Family Secret No. 8: Build and Honor Rituals
"Families need rituals," Boteach says. Rituals can be
religious, national, or even family-specific, he says.
Barbara Fiese, PhD, professor and chair of psychology at Syracuse University
in New York, agrees. "Happy families have meaningful rituals and are not
stressed out by them," she says. "They can be unique to your own family
such as going for bagels on Saturday morning, a weekly pizza night, or even a
family song. Rituals tend to bring family members close together because they
are repeated over time."
To work, rituals need to be flexible, she adds. "They can't be
rigid," Fiese says. "If the bagel place is closed, you have to go
Happy Family Secret No. 9: Keep Your Voices Down
Remember that children thrive on stability. "There has to be a calm
environment at home," says Boteach. "Talk to your kids, give them
strict rules, and punish children when necessary, but don't lose control and
yell. If you yell at kids, that shows you are out of control and you create a
Happy Family Secret No. 10: Never Fight in Front of the Kids
TV viewers never really saw Carol and Mike Brady go at it, did they? While
some fighting or bickering may be inevitable, try to keep it away from the
children, Boteach says. "If your kids see you fight and argue, apologize
and say, 'We are sorry you had to see it. Daddy and I just had a disagreement,
but everything is OK now.'"
Happy Family Secret No. 11: Don't Work Too Much
All work and no play does worse things to a family than make it dull.
"If you are away all the time and don't prioritize your kids, your kids
will internalize feelings of insecurity," says Boteach. They'll begin to
believe that they're not valuable enough.