Skip to content
My WebMD Sign In, Sign Up

Health & Parenting

Font Size
A
A
A

Communicate Effectively With Your Teen

Adolescent acting up? Here's how to keep your cool.
By
WebMD Magazine - Feature
Reviewed by Amita Shroff, MD

"Teens can seem so unreasonable and so rude," Laura Kussick, executive director of the Seattle-based Program for Early Parent Support, says. She's also the mother of a 12-year-old daughter and 15-year-old son. For Kussick and her kids, conflicts sometimes arise around the hot-button issue of how much screen time they can spend on their electronic devices. Before she knows it, the sparks are flying in both directions.

When those sparks turn into a fiery inferno, what parent doesn't take it personally? Clinical psychologist Laura S. Kastner, co-author of Getting to Calm: Cool-headed Strategies for Parenting Tweens + Teens, says, "You judge your child and judge yourself."

Don't try to reason with your teen when either of you is highly stressed. Don't expect your kid to suddenly see where he's gone wrong. Instead, stop the interaction and try what Kastner calls the CALM approach. Cool down and focus on your breath to help interrupt your own stress response. Assess your options for responding, which enlists the help of your thinking brain. Listen with empathy, whether or not you approve of your kid's behavior. Make a plan to move forward.

Remain Calm (as Much as Possible)

Pruning and rewiring of the brain's prefrontal cortex begins around age 12 and is largely to blame for teen reactions and risk-taking.

Kastner says, "Sometimes parents' expectations for kids' emotional control are too high and expectations about daily habits are too low." She offers this advice for parents who feel they need some help dealing with the volatility.

Create solid routines. Instead of trying to control your kid's thoughts and feelings, create and model firm family policies and routines to encourage responsibility and self-control. Start early -- no later than middle school.

Adopt good habits. With a few "house rules," parents can create quality family time and help their kids focus on the things that count. That includes prioritizing time together without distractions, limiting screen time, volunteering outside the home, and doing chores. Regular family dinners are also associated with less alcohol, tobacco, and drug use and less depression.

Encourage school activities. Kastner also advocates for tweens' and teens' involvement in school sports and activities, which creates a sense of belonging and fosters a range of social, creative, and physical skills.

One More Thing

"The brain is fertile for pruning until around age 21, so you've got a lot of time with this ‘garden' you're helping to grow. Modeling good behavior is one of your best tools." -- Patricia A. Farrell, PhD

Find more articles, browse back issues, and read the current issue of  "WebMD the Magazine."

Reviewed on February 03, 2014

Today on WebMD

family walking on the beach
Slideshow
two boys in a swing
Article
 
mistakes_parents_make_with_toddlers_2.jpg
Article
woman with cleaning products
Slideshow
 
mother and daughter talking
Tool
child brushing his teeth
Slideshow
 
Sipping hot tea
Slideshow
Young woman holding lip at dentists office
Video
 
6-Week Challenges
Want to know more?
Build a Fitter Family Challenge – Get your crew motivated to move.
Feed Your Family Better Challenge - Tips and tricks to healthy up your diet.
Sleep Better Challenge - Snooze clues for the whole family.
I have read and agreed to WebMD's Privacy Policy.
Enter cell phone number
- -
Entering your cell phone number and pressing submit indicates you agree to receive text messages from WebMD related to this challenge. WebMD is utilizing a 3rd party vendor, CellTrust, to provide the messages. You can opt out at any time.
Standard text rates apply
Which Vaccines Do Adults Need
Article
rl with friends
fitSlideshow
 
tissue box
Quiz
Child with adhd
Slideshow