Making Friends: What to Do When Your Child Can't
Parents can foster friends and friendship in their children.
With songs, sitcoms, dramas, and movies galore celebrating friendship, it's
clear society places a high premium on friends. As a result, parents often grow
concerned when their child just doesn't seem to fit in -- or worse -- fits in
with the wrong crowd.
But parents shouldn't fret just because their child is not the most popular
kid in the class or the life of the party, experts say.
"My rule of thumb when working with kids is that I don't get too
concerned about kids who have a friend or a couple of friends, but there are
some kids who, for whatever reason, have no friends, and that can be
problematic," explains Jonathan Poghyly, PhD, a child psychologist at
Children's Memorial Hospital, in Chicago. "If a child has at least one
friend, there is a frame of reference and a forum in which to practice
Parents may start to notice that their child is starting to develop a
pattern in regard to friends and friendship starting at the age of 3 or 4, says
Charles Sophy, a Beverly Hills, Calif.-based psychiatrist. "If you are
hearing from teachers, caregivers, or coaches that your child is a loner on the
playground, doesn't share well, gets rejected when he or she tries to join a
group and/or is aggressive, it may be something to look into," he says.
According to Sophy, the first step is to look at your child's situation from
several angles. "Is he sleeping? Is he eating well enough? Is he getting
his work done at school? Is he being stimulated in an age-appropriate manner?
Does he exercise and get out socially?"
The answers to these questions can be telling and may help point parents in
the right direction, he explains. For example, lack of sleep may result in
irritability and lack of energy for socialization.
"You also have to look at yourself as a parent," he says. "Do
you model good behavior? Do you have friends? Do you enjoy friends and go
out? Do you have group play dates where moms and dads hang out while the
kids play?" These types of behavior will encourage and motivate your
children to value friends and friendships.
Is Anxiety to Blame?
Another possible reason that your child has difficulty forming friendships
may be anxiety, Sophy suggests.
"If the child has anxiety, you can work around it and they can do
better," he says. For example, arrive early at birthday parties, since
anxious kids often do better when they get there first as opposed to having to
work themselves into a group, he says.
Parents should not be too pushy with their children regarding friends,
Poghyly says. "It's a bone of contention between parents and kids when
parents say 'why don't you try to make new friends' and the kid may have a
pull-back response," he says. Instead, try to support your child in
pursuing sports or other activities and clubs where he or she can meet people
and make friends, he advises.
In addition, "if parents observe the way their children interact with
peers, they can provide feedback in a supportive way," Poghyly says. For
example, you might say "it looks like so-and-so was angry when she left.
What happened? Is there another way you could have handled that