New Rules for Parenting Grown-Up Kids

By Michael Segell

Why you may not want to give your 20-something advice, and other thorny issues explained


"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want, and then advise them to do it." --Harry Truman

Jane Isay might be willing to go that far, but not much further. After interviewing 70 parents and grown kids for her book, Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship between Adult Children and Parents, Isay advises parents to "keep their mouth shut and their door open" (although not too wide, lest they move back in). That guidance has resonated widely with parents of a certain age who have been mystified by their 20-somethings' tentative steps into early adulthood. Herewith, other "rules" she discovered (and how to break them without an argument).

Rule 1

Keep your advice to yourself
Your children will resent your instruction, Isay says. Why? "Many of us have kids who are graduating to full-blown adulthood later than we did," she says. "So when we see them struggle through their 20s, we feel compelled, out of love, to help them. But they may perceive any advice we give as being critical of their slow start." Parents who are still "helicoptering"--that is, hovering over their child's every move--magnify this perception.

Case in point: Doris, a schoolteacher wonders why her son, a 38-year-old contractor, visits her only occasionally, even though he lives just a mile away. When he was a boy, Doris told Isay, "it was obvious to me that I made a big difference in his life." Today, she still calls often to counsel him about how to expand his business or solidify his relationship with his girlfriend. "It's hard. I just want to help him," she says.

According to Isay, Doris "needs to back off" from giving unsolicited advice or risk even greater estrangement.

Break it gently: If you can't resist, dispense your wisdom in a neutral way, Isay suggests. "Couch it in terms like these: Some people might think… Have you ever considered… That kind of language is judgment free," she says. "Before you leap in with advice, remember this: It's not so bad to make a mistake. You learned from yours, they'll learn from theirs."