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The Top 5 Mistakes Divorced Parents Make
Breaking up is hard to do. Divorce and its complications are the themes of Julia Louis-Dreyfus's hit Emmy award-winning sitcom, The New Adventures of Old Christine, in which she plays a newly single mom facing the challenges of dating again, a host of custody and parenting issues, and an ex-husband who is still very much in her life.
Although her own marriage -- with two kids -- to writer-producer Brad Hall is still going strong at 21 years, the actress is mining emotions she is familiar with. Her parents divorced when she was a child, and she was shuffled back and forth between their homes in Washington, D.C., and New York City. While her parents kept it civil and Louis-Dreyfus remains close to her mother, father, and their respective "new" spouses, many kids of divorce have it much tougher. Some are asked to broker peace between warring exes, even as they are grieving the loss of a parent who has abruptly moved out. Others must deal with parents who suddenly can't cope with everyday tasks, like making dinner or helping with homework.
Many children take the battle scars of divorce well into adulthood -- wounds that never needed to be inflicted in the first place. But broken-up spouses can help stop the damage done by managing their own behavior before the ink dries on the divorce papers. WebMD spoke with family and divorce expert M. Gary Neuman, LMHC, who gives exes pointers on how to split up without emotionally destroying their kids long term.
1. Don't make your child the messenger ...
"Too many parents attempt to communicate through their children, which causes undue emotional stress on them and forces them to negotiate a situation their own parents could not handle," says Neuman. "Email is an excellent tool nowadays to communicate with your ex-spouse. It allows you to specifically discuss the practicalities of raising your child without detouring into negative areas and opening old wounds. It also provides a recorded message, admissible into court, so parents tend to be more careful when using it.
If you want or need to speak with your ex over the phone or in person, be focused and stay on task, and most important, don't swallow the bait if he or she descends into anger. Simply say, 'I appreciate your feelings, but I am here to discuss our child's school assignment.' Take the high road. Your child's emotional health depends on it."
2. ... or your therapist.
"Teenagers like to feel in control, and divorce turns their worlds upside down," Neuman says. "Don't fall into the trap of sharing divorce details or your angry feelings about your ex with your older kids. Their own anxiety and need for control causes them to be 'understanding' of what you're going through, but you need to be the parent. Get outside help for yourself, get therapy if necessary, and maintain those boundaries. Making your child your cohort is wrong and does them damage."
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