8 of Your Most Common Questions About Sex
Sex therapist Laura Berman reveals the answers to your most intimate questions and shows you how to spice up your sex life.
6. How Do I Tell My Partner About My Fantasies?
Sharing fantasies with your partner can be intimidating, especially if you've never done it before. Simplify the process by creating a "fantasy file" and keeping it in your bedroom. You and your partner can each write down a couple of fantasies (or several!) on separate slips of paper, and stick them in a folder (or notebook, or box). Whenever things get dull in the bedroom, pull a fantasy out of the file and act it out. Many couples I've worked with have used this strategy successfully. One woman fulfilled her partner's Princess Leia fantasy, hair buns and all; one man was brave enough to don a Zorro cape to fulfill his wife's masked-bandit fantasy! It sounds silly, but if you agree to have fun with the project and commit to exploring new things, you'll be surprised at how much your sex life can benefit.
7. How Do We Make Time for Sex?
It's not uncommon for busy couples to miss out on sex because they're overbooked, or overburdened, or overtired, or all of the above. But it's essential that you devote time to your marriage (and by extension, your sex life), no matter how busy you are. Your marriage is the cornerstone of your family, and deserves your attention. Don't wait for free time to miraculously appear; create it. If necessary, steal it from some other activity, with no apologies. Write your weekly date night in stone, and break it only for emergencies. Start saying "no" more often to requests for your time, from volunteer work to family gatherings. Leave housecleaning or laundry for a rainy day — better to have a pile of dirty socks than a rocky marriage. Make your relationship and your sex life a priority. If you don't schedule time together, it just won't happen.
8. We're Stuck in a Sexual Rut. How Do We Rev Things Up?
Long-term couples often find that their sex lives become a bit boring. That can definitely change — but you have to work to keep things exciting and fresh. Small alterations in routine can have big payoffs. Initiate sex at a time that's unusual for you — say, when he walks in the door from work (maybe Grandma or a friend can take the kids). Introduce a new move in the bedroom. Or just give your spouse a long, passionate kiss when he least expects it. Bring flirting back into the equation: Send provocative e-mails or texts throughout the day to get each other going. And here's a somewhat surprising turn-on: Express gratitude to your partner five times a day, and watch how much more you start appreciating your life together. Pretend you're lovers having a secret rendezvous; book a night at a local hotel (or if that's beyond your budget, turn your bedroom into a sweet suite, complete with pillow mints and a mood-setting movie). Try having sex somewhere new and risqué, like a restaurant bathroom or the kitchen counter. It's OK if you feel a little self-conscious at first. You'll find that the more you add playfulness to your connection, the more natural it will feel — and the better your sex life will be. One woman I counseled felt very hesitant about the "surrender date night" I suggested. She was to relinquish the reins and allow her husband to pick the restaurant, her meal, and even her outfit. The woman was very controlling; she hadn't been able to relax enough to experience orgasm. I thought a surrender date night would loosen her up and help her let go. She resisted the idea at first, but she reported that she was actually surprised at what a great job her husband did when she gave him the chance to step up. She felt sexy and in the moment, she told me, and had sex with her husband for the first time in many months.