April 2, 2001 -- More than a million divorces occur each year in the United States, and handling a split-up is devastating and demanding for the couples involved. But those with young children have an extra burden: worrying about the effects on their offspring.
First, there's the short-term angst about the effects of divorce. How will your children do in school, with their friends, with adjusting to one parent in the house, with going back and forth between two households? And then there's the "big-picture" anxiety. Will your kids repeat your marital mistakes, since common wisdom holds that we learn by observing? Are you passing on divorce as your children's romantic legacy?
By Virginia Sole-Smith
Nothing makes me feel more overtly "married" than when I open up my wallet to pay at Home Depot and pull out the shiny blue debit card labeled, in big block type, SHARED. My husband, Dan, broke out the label maker two months after we got married to distinguish the cards linked to our joint account from the identical blue debit cards we use for our separate personal checking accounts. (And in the rush of newlywed excitement, it didn't occur to him to use a more discreet...
No, your children aren't doomed for divorce court, according to recent studies conducted by two different teams of researchers. In fact, they may do very well -- perhaps even celebrate a silver or golden wedding anniversary. What matters most, according to one research team, is not so much the marital example you give your kids, but the one-to-one relationship you have as a parent with your child. That's the relationship that will teach them the skills they need to form good romantic relationships later, the team says.
The second team found that the psychological well-being of a child actually improves after a divorce if the household was chaotic because of warring parents.
Parent role vs. partner role
How we learn to form and maintain romantic, intimate relationships has been a focus of researchers for years. The common belief has been that children learn to relate later in life to romantic partners by observing their own parents.
But that's not entirely true, according to Rand Conger, PhD, a sociology professor at Iowa State University and a researcher with ISU's Institute for Social and Behavioral Research in Ames, Iowa. The romantic choices and behaviors of young adults are influenced more by the one-to-one relationships they had as children with their parents than with the observations they made of their parents' marriages, he has found.
Conger and his team came to that conclusion after observing 193 young adults (85 men and 108 women) and their partners in ongoing romantic relationships in 1997. These young adults were the same subjects that Conger and his team began observing in family situations in 1989, when they were just 12 years old, to see what kind of relationships they had with their parents.