Chronic Illness: 7 Relationship Tips

Don't let chronic illness sabotage your relationships.

By Karen Bruno
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Louise Chang, MD

Having a chronic illness like diabetes, arthritis, or multiple sclerosis can take a toll on even the closest relationship. The ill partner may not feel like he or she used to, the loved one may not know how to handle the changes, and the strain may push "in sickness and in health" to its breaking point.

For instance, studies show that marriages where a spouse has a chronic illness are more likely to fail if the couple is young. And caregiver-spouses are six times more likely to suffer from depression than non-caregiver spouses.

"Even in the best marriages, it's hard," says Rosalind Kalb, PhD, a clinical psychologist in New York and the vice president of the professional resource center at the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. "You feel trapped, out of control, and helpless."

But there are ways couples can deal with chronic illness. Here are seven strategies to try.

1. Communicate

Relationships can suffer when people shy away from discussing problems that have no easy or obvious solution -- and that leads to feelings of distance and lack of intimacy, Kalb says.

"Finding ways to talk openly about challenges is the first step toward effective problem-solving and the feelings of closeness that come from good teamwork," Kalb says.

Chris Calderone, 44, and his wife, Marybeth, 41, live in Kingston, R.I. Marybeth has limited use of her legs and hands because of a neurological disorder called Charcot-Marie-Tooth.

For Chris, figuring out when to communicate is his biggest challenge.

"My wife gets frustrated with herself when she can't do things, like organize our 8-year-old daughter's desk," he says. "A lot of times, I'm not sure if Marybeth is angry at me, or with her condition. Often, I try to figure it out on my own and don't say anything.

The right amount of communication is key. "If the couple is consumed with talking about the illness, that's a problem," says Karen Kayser, PhD, a professor at Boston College Graduate School of Social Work. "If they never talk about it, it's also a problem. You have to find a middle ground."