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Dealing With Your Ex on Special Occasions

How to Be Together on Your Kids’ Special Days After You’ve Split Up

By Matt McMillen
WebMD Feature

Reviewed by Laura J. Martin, MD

Getting along with your former spouse or partner may be impossible at times, but if you have kids, there are going to be birthdays, holidays, graduations, weddings, and other occasions when the two of you will have to be together. No matter how old your kids are, they’re going to be happier if you both can get along on their special days.

Early Days

The first year after a separation is always the hardest, says psychologist Shirley Thomas, PhD, author of Two Happy Homes: A Working Guide for Parents & Stepparents after Divorce and Remarriage.

“All family members are grieving,” Thomas says. “It’s unavoidable.”

Younger children are especially vulnerable. For them, Thomas says, it might be best to consider sticking -- as much as possible -- with the family’s established routine during the first holiday season that you’re apart.

“Small children won’t comprehend why things are different,” Thomas says. “Consider limiting the hours you are together but still spend time together if possible. As you develop new patterns of celebrating, you want your child to realize that although things are different, they can still be happy.”

Emotions -- anger, sadness, bitterness -- will inevitably run high over the course of those first holidays. One good way to keep them in check, Thomas says, is to make a plan and stick to it. Decide in advance how long you are going to stay, for example, and leave when you agreed to depart.

“You are going to be vulnerable,” she says. “Avoid spontaneity.”

And consider avoiding alcohol, Thomas adds.

“There’s usually more drinking, more alcohol around the holidays,” she says. “Limit how much you drink; otherwise, you might be less inclined to hold back.”

Once you’re through that first year, she says, you can start to establish new ways of celebrating birthdays, Thanksgiving, and other holidays.

For some parents, though, being together always brings out the worst in one or both of them. It’s important to recognize whether you and your former partner fall into that category. If you do, getting together may spoil the day for your children.

“Self-awareness is very important. A lot of parents have it but all too many don’t,” says psychologist Philip M. Stahl, PhD, author of Parenting after Divorce: Resolving Conflicts and Meeting Your Children's Needs. “Some parents for whatever reason remain in high conflict, and that’s not good for the kids. Are they parents who can’t be in the same place with each other? If so, they’re probably better off not getting together.”

Best Behavior

If you are both going to attend an event, it is crucial that your children see that the two of you can get along. Thomas suggests that you look at your ex as a co-worker and treat him or her accordingly.

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