She drives a Lexus, he rides a Harley; she's a sports nut, he's
a bookworm; he's a Republican, she's a Democrat. Do opposites really attract?
Is it good if they do?
It depends what you mean by "opposite." "I believe
unresolved patterns attract," says Paul Cutright, author of You're Never
Upset for the Reason You Think. Cutright, along with his wife Layne, run
the Center for Enlightened Partnerships in Las Vegas. "What most people
call falling in love is really falling in pattern," he says. "Relationships are about getting
our own needs met, often on an unconscious basis. In other words, we try to
find someone who is complementary to us and can help us learn, heal, and
By Colleen OakleyWould you send your husband to boot camp? Install a stripper pole in your
bedroom? As these five couples discovered, when love is on the skids, sometimes
you have to take a big risk to get it back on track.
Every marriage has its ups and downs, but when you hit a really rough spot,
where do you turn? Sure, there's couples counseling, but not every couple (and
definitely, let's face it, not every guy) takes to it. In fact, just as
every relationship is different, so is the recipe...
In a study published in the Proceedings of the National
Academy of Sciences in July of 2003, researchers quizzed 978 heterosexual
residents of Ithaca, N.Y., between the ages of 18 and 24. First, the
participants rated the importance of 10 attributes of a long-term partner, and
then rated themselves on the same scale. When the results were tallied,
self-perception was more likely to match mate perception.
This conclusion was: "In Western society, humans use
neither an 'opposites-attract' nor a 'reproductive-potentials-attract' rule in
their choice of long-term partners, but rather a 'likes-attract' rule based on
a preference for partners who are similar to themselves across a number of
Those People Were Not Married, Though
"I don't really think opposites do attract," says
William Ickes, PhD, professor of psychology at the University of Texas at
Arlington and author of Empathic Accuracy. "But the study did not
look at marital stability; these young people were not married. Reality is more
complicated than that."
Someone once said, Ickes recalls, that if opposites didn't
attract somewhat, everyone on the planet would be asexual or gay. "But you
look for a complement, not someone identical," he says.
Elements of Attraction
What are some significant ways people can be alike or
Physical attractiveness. "I think we seek a certain level of
attractiveness similar to our own," Ickes says. "The Beast looks for
Beauty, not the other way around." If unattractive people pursue attractive
people, they are not as likely to be successful, so soon stop doing it.
Money. If you have zero dollars, you may aspire "to hook up with
a mate who's loaded," Ickes says, "but what is the chance this person
is interested in you?"
Desire for children. If the desire for a family is a source of
contention, similarity of desire might be better, Ickes says.
Religion. "I know some successful mixed marriages," Ickes
says. "If you respect and tolerate the differences and don't use the kids
as pawns, you can choose your own [spiritual] path."
Class. "How often do you see an aristocrat marry a commoner in
real life?" Ickes asks. "That's so rare you only see it in the
Education. "Educated people do not tend to marry stupid
people," Ickes says. "But uneducated people can be smart. You need to
be able to talk, interact, and share world views."
"We are flattering ourselves as social scientists if we
think we can intervene in these matters," Ickes laughs. "People who
have studied attachment pretty much have learned that if two people are
physically proximate and neither does bad things to the other, they can fall in
love. They just have to be around each other enough. People do not look at a
spreadsheet or checklist."