Dr. Phil & Robin's Do-It-Yourself Marriage Makeover
Problem 4: Kids Who Won't Listen continued...
Let me tell you, I was in private practice for years with parents who were
fighting over how to discipline their kids. One of them would want it to be one
way, and the other one would want it the other way — and the truth is, neither
of them were within a country mile of what was in the kids' best interest. It's
good to realize that a little bit of your approach and a little bit of his
approach will usually get you to the right place, which is somewhere in the
middle. So you're not as strict as one of you might want, but you're not as
Robin: This is going to sound old-fashioned, but there are certain things
that a father is going to understand better and certain things a mother is
going to understand better, and you should respect that. I remember one time,
Jay was still little and he said he wanted to quit a sports team he was on. I
thought, Well, that sounds fine — he's still young and he's going to try lots
of different sports and he'll figure out what works best. But I mentioned it to
Phillip and right away he said, "No! That's not what you do — if you commit
to a team, you stay on the team. A boy should stick to his commitments and not
let his team down."
Dr. Phil: And when the boys started dating, you were there to tell them how
a girl wants to be treated. For instance, the day of a dance....
Robin: I always told the boys to call their date the morning of the dance,
just to tell her how excited they were about seeing her that night. And to
always find out what she was wearing, what color, so they could get the right
Dr. Phil: They would roll their eyes at me and say, "Dad, do I really
have to call her? I'm going to see her in a few hours, do I have to talk to her
on the phone and act all excited?" And I'd say, "Listen to your mother.
Go ahead and do it."
You have to come together on this. And more than anything else, don't make
someone else the heavy. No one should ever say, "Wait until your father
gets home," or "Wait until I tell your mother what you did." That
is just so unfair. Don't make your partner the villain — or yourself the saint
either, where you're saying, "I'd get you the puppy, but Daddy would be
mad." It's unfair to throw the other parent under the bus because you don't
have the guts to jointly own the decision.