Sept. 11, 2000 -- Steve and Cathy Brody of Cambria, Calif., on the Golden
State's scenic Central Coast, are psychotherapists who specialize in couples
counseling. When it comes to sexual dysfunction and its treatment, however, the
Brodys' best success story is their own. And the best weapon in their personal
therapeutic arsenal is the same advice they give others.
If you want a better sex life, they say, find the courage to share your
sexual secrets -- to talk about what you want and don't want, sexually
By Keith Ablow, M.D.
Rekindling Passion For The Husband You Still Love
People sometimes tell me they know a couple married 20 years whose sex life
is still as good as it ever was. Here's what I tell them in return: "There
are only three possibilities. One: This couple is lying. Two: They are telling
the truth, because they didn't have good sex to begin with. Or three: Sex is
all they really have together. They never connected emotionally."
I've drawn that conclusion by listening...
"When sex hasn't worked for us," says Cathy, a marriage and family
therapist, "we talk about it afterward. Because it's not the orgasm that's
the goal, it's the intimacy. One thing couples can actually do when they're
lying there is talk about it and say, 'We can try this instead.' "
Millions of Americans find it hard to talk about sex. Medical and behavioral
scientists have said this for years, based on their clinical experience. And a
recent survey of 200 people conducted by the Midwest Institute of Sexology in
Southfield, Mich., strongly suggests they're right.
Nearly 9 in 10 men in relationships with women reported serious problems
articulating their needs and desires. Of the women respondents in heterosexual
relationships, half reported some difficulties articulating their needs and
desires when talking to their partners about sex. The findings cut across all
age categories, from teens to seniors.
In sharp contrast, most men and women in same-sex relationships said it was
easy to discuss sex. The institute's survey, conducted on its web site,
included questions that probed the frequency with which people told their
partners what they wanted sexually and asked them to identify the reasons when
they felt they could not. Seven of 10 gay men said sex was easy to talk about,
and 2 in 3 lesbian women said the same, making the gay and lesbian respondents
dramatically less reluctant to communicate sexual desires than the straight
Survey Imitates Life
While critics and the survey takers alike say the study, because of online
data gathering, is not scientific, the findings do reflect what therapists hear
in practice. "I see couples married 20 or 30 years and they're still having
problems, says psychologist Linda Carter, director of the Family Studies
Program at New York University Medical Center. "People have told me they've
never talked about how they wanted sex, where they wanted it, and when they
The good news? Shortcomings can be remedied and the lines of communication
opened, experts say, if both partners are willing to work on it, change some
bad habits, and talk, talk, talk. First, it's vital to understand why it is so
difficult to talk about sex in the first place.