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He's Just Not That Into You!

Harsh words from the new movie may set single women free.
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Men's Take on Dating

"I can understand why women feel empowered by this book," says Terrence Real, founder of the Relational Recovery Institute in Cambridge, Mass., and author of several books on male emotional health including, How Can I Get Through to You: Closing theIntimacy Gap Between Men and Women.

"The book is implicitly teaching women to have good psychological boundaries, meaning that if he's just not that into you, it's not your problem, it's his and you need to deal with the fact that for whatever the reason, this guy is not interested in a relationship with you," he says.

"If you are on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass looking for a needle in a haystack as to why he stopped pursuing you, you're nuts. It just didn't click, which is fine," Real says. "Maybe he doesn't like redheads or maybe you have a broad face like his mother or maybe you don't have a broad face like his mother."

It may be an intimacy issue on his part, Real says.

"The kind of guy that has trouble with intimacy is love-avoidant," he says. "A man who has been wounded in his childhood by family and culture and can't distinguish between being close to someone and being eaten up alive is love-avoidant," Real says.

"If there is a history of enmeshment with one of the parents, often the mother, in which the man was used as a hero child, performer, confidant, or the baby, then the relationship with a parent was one in which the child was there to service the parent's needs, not the other way around," he says. "That's what they feel will happen to them and are basically intimacy-phobic."

But, he cautions, don't throw out the baby with the bath water. "If you spent the whole date talking about yourself or not talking about yourself or were excessive and extreme in another way and bet it was a real-turn off, look at it and do better next time."

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Reviewed on January 23, 2009

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