How to Break Up Gracefully
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but some are better than others. Learn the dos and don'ts of ending a romantic relationship.
Don't Break Up Over Email continued...
Social networking sites, including MySpace and Facebook, allow users to post
comments on one another's pages, but they should never be used to end a
romantic relationship. Nor should web sites like Breakup Butler, which delivers
several types of prerecorded breakup messages ranging from let-them-down-easy
to downright mean.
"If it's a casual encounter, a text message is OK. But to my mind, it's
better to call and speak or go out to dinner," Lieberman says.
"The news of a breakup should never be broken over text or email,"
says Alison Arnold, PhD, a therapist in Phoenix who is also known as 'Doc Ali,'
the life coach on the VH1 series Scott Baio Is 45 ... and Single.
"Texting a breakup is the coward's way out," she says.
Stick to the Relationship Facts
"Face-to-face or phone contact is a must," Arnold says. "It's
important to give the person with whom you are ending the relationship the
chance to ask questions and feel the sentiment underneath the words."
Be as direct and honest as you can, she advises. "Don't engage in
tit-for-tat arguments. Stick to the facts: 'It's not working, it's no one's
fault, we need to make a change.'"
Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?
Whether or not two people can remain friends after a breakup depends on the
two people and their feelings about the end of the relationship.
"If someone is very much in love -- and [then] broken up with-- and
forever trying to get back with that person, then having a platonic
relationship does not work," Lieberman says. "If you are still in love
with the person and want them back, the best thing to do is go cold
While many a jilted lover claims to seek closure by going back just one more
time after a breakup, such closure is a "fantasy or a hope," Lieberman
"If in your heart of hearts you really want to get back together, the
best thing to do if the other person is not into it is to get out of it,"
Arnold agrees. "Do take at least eight weeks with no contact. No phone.
No 'let's get together for coffee.' No nothing," she says. "You need
time to detox and get in touch with yourself again."
Talking every day as "friends" is also a no-no. "That just keeps
the wounds and hope open and working," Arnold says. "Don't keep calling
to 'check in,' hear how his or her day was, or if the dog ate his dinner. Cut
the cord in all ways."
Another no-no? Breakup sex, she says.
Prescription for Healing After the Relationship Ends
"Do learn from each relationship," Arnold says. "Write down five
things you appreciated about this relationship that you would like to have in
the next one, and five things you would not like to create next time."
Instead of stalking your ex or making up excuses to call or see him or her,
"keep yourself busy with new activities, old friends, and healthy
distractions," Arnold says.
"Don't get right into a new relationship, she advises. "Don't
medicate your sadness with a new person. It isn't fair to either of