Health & Sex

How to Get More Foreplay

STEP 3: Tell him what you want.

And when you do, bookend each request with praise, says Lou Paget, author of The Great Lover Playbook. Start with a positive: "Oh, it's so good to be with you." Then, present your request (phrased with let's to create a we're-in-this-together feeling), such as, "Let's go really slow tonight." After he grants your sexy wish, give the reinforcement: "Mmmm, that feels really good" or "That makes me so hot."

You can also frame your request by saying, "You were doing something the other day that felt great...." It's okay to fudge a little here, says Paget, even if he wasn't exactly on target; you'll just build on his previous accomplishments. Once you refresh his memory — he was kissing your breast, perhaps — he'll be eager to repeat his success. Then simply move his hand (men never mind this, Paget says) and use one word at a time: "Slower." "Left." "Up." And give some of that aforementioned reinforcement. Even just breathing loudly is good. As Paget says, "Breath is a whole language in the bedroom."

STEP 4: If all else fails, stroke his ego again.

What if, despite your best diplomatic efforts, he seems hurt by your suggestions or reluctant to try them? First of all, don't get negative or resentful — that's like giving up when you're halfway across the tightrope, says Hutcherson. Be brave and positive just a bit longer, remembering that carrots always work better than sticks. Try this: "I think you're so sexy, and there are times when you turn me on so much. I think I could show you a whole new side of me sexually if you can be patient with me."

A whole new side of you sexually? Oh yeah, that'll definitely get his attention.

STEP 5: Now turn up the heat.

Once you've seen the benefits of putting your wants into words, consider trying this "advanced" technique to get even more of what you crave next time. If you have a specific activity in mind, bring it up by saying, "I had a crazy dream about you last night" or "I just had a sexy thought about you." He'll want to know what it was — so let him coax it out of you ("Well, I was on my back and you were kissing me all over..."). "It's about stimulating naughty dialogue," Kerner says. "And if you blush a little, that's fine." Then, let your bodies do the talking.

3 Ways to Say "This Just Isn't Working"

Guys are famously fragile when it comes to their sexual prowess. So when a man is doing something that doesn't feel good, it's important not to discourage him altogether. Here are some ideas from sex expert Lou Paget for correction without rejection.

1."It's like my body is craving something different tonight." This puts the blame on something no one has any control over — and gives you a transition to what that other thing might be.

2."Things feel different when I'm at different times of my cycle." Again, it's nobody's fault — and it's true, to boot.

3."Can you do what you did before? You did it like this...." This takes away the sting by focusing on a past success. And practice does make perfect.

Originally published on May 19, 2009

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