Instant Fight Stoppers
3. Agree to call a time-out
Sometimes just getting away from each other for a minute or two can stop a
fight. Pat Enderson, 31, of Maple Grove, MN, finds herself bickering with her
husband when she's stressed out or tired. "Either my husband or I will
realize it and call a time-out," she says. "Sometimes that means going
to another room; sometimes it just means being quiet for a while. Usually the
whole thing passes without further comment."
4. Say you're sorry when you're not
"Most of us are convinced we have to show our 'real' feelings all the
time, and that's not true," says Weiner-Davis. "The 'love means never
having to say you're sorry' line is some of the biggest baloney ever. Say
you're sorry even if you're not 100 percent behind it." You'll be amazed at
the impact those words can have on a hostile mate; he's very likely to soften
after hearing them, as Scott Tady, 35, of Beaver, PA, can attest: "Usually
if my wife or I say 'I'm sorry' during a fight, we start kissing and hugging;
the pent-up frustration can eventually lead to some incredible sex."
5. Stop. Think. Write.
Sometimes your argument looks ridiculous once it's on paper. Instead of
blurting out what's making you angry, jot it down on a notepad, or even put it
in an email (you don't have to send it!). Marriage therapist Lisa Stromeier of
Columbus, OH, says this strategy serves another important function: It gives
you time to cool off.
6. Barter with everything!
Cindy Moss, 39, of Cedar Rapids, IA, has no qualms about using sex as a
bargaining tool. "When one of us wants the other to do something he or she
doesn't want to do, we'll avoid fighting by saying something like, "If you
go with me to visit my great-aunt in the nursing home, I'll owe you big,"
meaning a sexual favor. Those words totally defuse arguments because they ease
the tension. Also, it makes us both happier doing what we don't want to when
there's such a fun reward."
7. Act like an idiot
For Nancy Roman, 35, of Linden, NJ, arguments often end in laughter. "At
the beginning of our marriage, whenever we argued, my husband left the house to
cool off and I sat and stewed," she says. "In recent years he has
started making these silly faces in the middle of an argument and sticking his
tongue out at me. I totally lose it and start laughing — thus the argument
ends!" Likewise, 27-year-old Angela Barr of Beaufort, SC, raises her fists
in a mock sparring gesture and says, "Wanna fight? Come on, let's
fight" when she and her husband start quarreling. Then they laugh and the
moment passes. "Lately we both break the tension by 'begging' to fight with
each other," she says. "Sometimes our teasing will turn into a
wrestling/tickling match that ends with both of us in giggles."
One caveat: Don't overdo it, says New York psychotherapist Gilda Carle.
Humor is "relationship glue," but being snide or shooting barbs at your
husband won't help. And never poke fun about sensitive issues, such as weight
or sex problems. "You can't laugh about what's really bothering your
partner, or he'll feel he's not being taken seriously," says Carle.